By Bryan Lufkin

作者：Bryan Lufkin

We've fallen out of touch with friends and acquaintances. It may feel awkward, but you don't actually have to rekindle every relationship you once had.

我們常常會與一些朋友和熟人失去聯(lián)系。這可能會讓你感到尷尬，但你不必重燃曾經(jīng)的每一段關(guān)系。

If you’re vaccinated and heading back into the world, you may realise something: there are a lot of people you haven’t spoken to in a year and a half.

如果你接種了新冠病毒疫苗然后重返社會，你可能會意識到一個問題，即周圍有很多你已經(jīng)一年半沒說過話的曾經(jīng)的朋友或熟人。
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Then you realise something else: you may want to keep it that way.

然后你意識到另一個問題:你可能想保持這種（不聯(lián)系的）狀態(tài)。

More of us are starting to pick back up the strands of our pre-pandemic social lives. As we figure out who the first people we want to meet up with are, we’re recognizing there are friendships from the ‘before times’ we didn’t keep up during lockdown – and aren’t particularly excited to re-ignite now that we can.

我們中越來越多的人開始回歸疫情開始前的社會生活。當我們弄清楚解封之后我們想要見的人都是誰時，我們會意識到有一些曾經(jīng)的友誼在疫情隔離期間并沒有得到發(fā)展或維持，甚至現(xiàn)在對于有機會重燃這段感情也沒有特別高興的感覺。
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Should we feel bad about not caring for these relationships?

我們應(yīng)該為不在乎這些友情而感到難過嗎?

While people have known for years that friendships are unquestionably good for your health, experts say it’s only natural for acquaintances and even friends to fall by the wayside as time goes on – and it’s nothing to feel guilty about. If you really do miss someone, you can always reach back out. But if you feel obliged, or like doing so is emotional labour, take that as a sign you can cut that person loose.

多年來，人們就知道友誼毫無疑問對健康有好處，但專家表示，隨著時間的推移，認識的人甚至是朋友都可能會變?yōu)槟奥啡?，這是很自然的事情，沒什么好內(nèi)疚的。如果你真的想念一個人，你可以隨時主動走過去重新?lián)炱鹉嵌斡亚椤５绻阌X得自己只是有義務(wù)這么做，或者將之視為一種情緒勞動的話，那就把這當作是你可以擺脫那個人的信號吧。

Gut check

直覺檢查

“When there’s a friend that you haven’t kept up with during the pandemic – if you didn’t feel the need to check up on this person, and they weren’t checking in on you – then kind of believe what your gut is telling you,” says Suzanne Degges-White, professor of counselling at Northern Illinois University, US. “Not every friendship is meant to last forever. It goes both ways.”

“如果你有一個在疫情期間沒有保持聯(lián)系的朋友, 如果你不覺得有必要問候這個人, 而他們也沒有問候你,那么相信你的直覺所告訴你的,” Suzanne Degges-White說, 她是美國北伊利諾伊大學(xué)的咨詢教授。她補充道：“并不是每一段友誼都意味著天長地久。好的友誼應(yīng)該是雙向的?！?/b>

Shasta Nelson, a San Francisco-based author and speaker who specialises in friendship, agrees “it’s absolutely normal that relationships ebb and flow all throughout life”. It’s impossible to keep up with every single friend you’ve ever had, she says, especially as you add new relationships when your life circumstances change, such as moving cities or changing jobs. These kinds of life experiences change your friendship networks, as you re-prioritise the people you want to spend your time with.

專攻友誼關(guān)系的舊金山作家和演說家Shasta Nelson也同意Suzanne 的說法，她說：“在生活中，關(guān)系的起起落落絕對是正常的”。你不可能與你曾經(jīng)的每一個朋友保持聯(lián)系，尤其是當你的生活環(huán)境發(fā)生變化時，比如搬家或換工作，你的周圍會出現(xiàn)新的人際關(guān)系。你的生活經(jīng)歷會改變你的友誼網(wǎng)絡(luò)，因為你會不斷重新考慮你想花時間在一起相處的人。

As you start to figure out whom the first people you want to reach out to are, you may quickly realise whom you're not necessarily keen to see right away (Credit: Getty Images)
As you start to figure out whom the first people you want to reach out to are, you may quickly realise whom you're not necessarily keen to see right away

當你開始意識到自己想要聯(lián)系的第一個人是誰時，你可能很快就會意識到你并不急于見到誰。

The pandemic is a perfect example of how life circumstances re-shuffled our friendship groups. As we had to literally isolate from each other during the last year, Degges-White says this led to forming sextive “pandemic pods” – a sextive, close group of family and friends who were part of your ‘bubble’, and who also took the same health precautions as you. We’ve had to be choosy about who we let in, and we suddenly couldn’t see all the people from our pre-pandemic lives in person like we could before.

生活環(huán)境會改變我們的友誼團體，這次新冠病毒疫情就是一個很好的例子。Degges-White表示，由于去年我們不得不彼此隔離，這就促成了選擇性的“流行病系統(tǒng)”，在這個系統(tǒng)下，那些具有選擇性的親密的家人和朋友就是你的“泡泡”的一部分，他們也采取了和你一樣的健康預(yù)防措施。而且我們不得不對進入的人很挑剔，我們也突然不能像以前那樣親眼見到我們在疫情前交往的所有人。
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We only had so much bandwidth to keep in contact with people outside our pods, which caused us to naturally narrow the friendships we kept going. Keeping up with people outside these pods took extra effort – and while we were busy disinfecting doorknobs and panic-buying toilet paper, we didn’t have the emotional capacity to reach out to everyone with whom we used to interact, both intimately and casually.

我們只有有限的帶寬來與我們系統(tǒng)外的人保持聯(lián)系，這導(dǎo)致我們很自然地縮小了我們的友誼范圍。與這些“隔離系統(tǒng)”外的人保持聯(lián)系需要額外的努力——而當我們忙著給門把手消毒、恐慌性地購買廁紙時，我們沒有足夠的情感能力去聯(lián)系我們曾經(jīng)親密或隨意交往過的每一個人。

And now that we have the opportunity to reach out again, we may find that we didn’t necessarily miss the people we didn’t talk to. All of this can help explain why you might be reluctant to reach out – and, in some cases, hoping that old friends and acquaintances don’t reach out to you, too.

現(xiàn)在我們有機會再次重建這些感情了，但是我們可能會發(fā)現(xiàn)，我們未必思念那些我們沒有在疫情期間交談過的人。所有這些都可以幫助解釋為什么你可能不愿意聯(lián)系這些人，甚至在某些情況下，你也希望這些老朋友和熟人也不要聯(lián)系你。

Although you may feel guilty picking and choosing your circle if it means fading out on friends, it’s not necessarily a bad thing. There’s value in curating that network of friends and acquaintances of your own volition.

雖然你可能會因為選擇自己的朋友圈而感到內(nèi)疚，但這并不一定是一件壞事。按照自己的意愿組織好朋友和熟人的網(wǎng)絡(luò)是有價值的。

You’re making what Degges-White calls a “friendscape”: “who’s close by, who do we want to be around and who do we want to surround us?” Your friendscape can change during certain, specific situations during life – going away to university or a summer camp, or being in a certain job – and you often begin curating new friends to fit that current life situation. Not everyone can fit into your current friendscape. That was quite literally the case in the age of lockdowns and social distancing. “In life, as we go through certain stages and ages, our attention shifts and we want to be around people who are like us.” says Degges-White.

你正在形成Degges-White所說的“朋友圈”: “誰在身邊，我們想和誰在一起，以及我們想讓誰圍繞在我們身邊?” 在生活中某些特定的情況下，你的朋友可能會發(fā)生變化，比如去上大學(xué)或參加夏令營，或從事某種特定的工作，在這種情況下，你會經(jīng)常開始培養(yǎng)新朋友來適應(yīng)當前的生活狀況。并不是所有人都適合你現(xiàn)在的朋友圈。在封鎖和社交距離盛行的時代，情況確實如此。Degges-White說:“在生活中，隨著我們經(jīng)歷了某些階段和年齡，我們的注意力會發(fā)生變化，我們希望和自己相似的人在一起?！?/b>

“The pandemic shifted a lot of things,” she says. “It showed us the people who we feel are valuable, and who we think will keep us safe, psychologically and physically.

她說：“這場疫情改變了很多事情，它讓我們認清了哪些人才是對我們最有價值的人，也認清了誰才是會在心理上和身體上保護我們的人。”

Since our friendscapes are ever evolving throughout our lives, it’s natural to drift away from some people as life goes on. It’s also unrealistic to think we can keep in touch with literally everyone – even research indicates it’s impossible to devote enough time to all your friends and acquaintances. “It’s completely legitimate for all of us to make an assessment now of where we want to invest our energy,” says Nelson.

由于我們的朋友圈子在我們的生活中不斷變化，所以隨著生活的發(fā)展，疏遠一些人是很自然的。想要和每個人都保持聯(lián)系也是不現(xiàn)實的——甚至有研究表明，一個人不可能有足夠的時間和所有的朋友和熟人相處。Nelson說:“我們所有人現(xiàn)在都完全有理由評估一下我們到底想把自己的精力投入到哪里。”

Saying hello again

再次說你好

Still, if you are wondering if you should reach out again to the friends who’ve fallen by the wayside, be thoughtful and strategic about it.

不過，如果你想知道是否應(yīng)該再次同那些已經(jīng)形同陌路的朋友建立友情，那就考慮周全，有策略地考慮一下。

First, listen to your gut, as Degges-White suggests. If you really do miss someone, that’s a sign that the relationship is worth investing in.

首先，就像Degges-White建議的那樣，聽從你的直覺。如果你真的很想念某個人，那就是一種表明這段關(guān)系值得投入的跡象。

A good litmus test to decide whether to reach back out, she says, is ask yourself if six months from now, would you be upset that you and this person weren’t in touch? If you would be, then feel free to contact them. And if you decide not to, but feel guilty, Nelson says acknowledge that, but also realise it might not be “actual guilt, but kind of an awareness, more sadness for acknowledging that this relationship isn’t going to keep deepening”.

她說，在糾結(jié)是否應(yīng)該再次聯(lián)系對方的時候，一個很好的試金石是問問自己，從現(xiàn)在起的6個月后，你是否會因為你和對方不再聯(lián)系而感到沮喪?如果你會因此沮喪，那請隨時聯(lián)系他們。而如果你決定不再聯(lián)系對方，但為此感到內(nèi)疚的話，就像Nelson說的，就承認這種內(nèi)疚感，但也要意識到，這可能不是“真正的內(nèi)疚，而是一種意識，在承認這段關(guān)系不會繼續(xù)深化的同時，你更多地是感到悲傷?！?/b>
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If when you start opening up your social life again you find you miss someone, you can always reach out again – but don't feel obligated to (Credit: Getty Images)
If when you start opening up your social life again you find you miss someone, you can always reach out again – but don't feel obligated to .

如果你再次回歸你的社交生活之后發(fā)現(xiàn)你想念某個人，那么你可以再次聯(lián)系他們——但不要覺得自己有義務(wù)這么做。

“Relationships aren’t all or nothing,” says Nelson. If there’s someone you truly want to reach back out to but feel awkward doing so because it’s been so long, you could say something like: “’Oh my goodness, my head is finally above water. I have thought about you so many times over the past year, and I am so sorry that we lost touch’,” she says. “I just wanted to let you know that you were missed. If you have time, I would love to meet you for that walk we always talk about’.”

Nelson說:“感情并不是孤注一擲。如果你真的很想和某人聯(lián)系，但在好久沒聯(lián)系后貿(mào)然聯(lián)系又覺得尷尬的話，你可以說這樣的話:“哦，天哪，我的頭終于擺脫麻煩了。在過去的一年里，我多次想起你，很抱歉我們失去了聯(lián)系。我只是想讓你知道我想念你。如果你有時間，我想和你一起去我們經(jīng)常說到的地方散步’?！?/b>
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“Just acknowledge it and say, ‘I wish we were able to keep in touch, but we weren’t able to’,” continues Nelson. “I think everybody understands that.”

尼爾森繼續(xù)說：“只要大方承認，并說，‘我希望我們能夠保持聯(lián)系，但之前我們沒有做到’。 我想每個人都能理解這一點?！?/b>

Another situation many people find themselves in is having reconnected with old friends from years ago during the pandemic, like old pals from university. And while that was a gift for many amid the health crisis, you may feel obliged to keep corresponding as often as you did during lockdown, which might feel a bit draining.

許多人發(fā)現(xiàn)自己面臨的另一種情況是在疫情期間與多年前的老朋友重新聯(lián)系上了，比如大學(xué)時代的老朋友。雖然在健康危機期間，這對許多人來說是一份安慰，但解除封鎖之后，你可能會覺得你們有必要像封鎖期間那樣經(jīng)常保持通信，而這可能會讓你感到有點累。

“A lot of my text threads are kind of slowing down on their own,” says Nelson. She’s sent messages to show that while she wants to keep the door open, she wants to be upfront that there isn’t an expectation to keep messages going with the same regularity. “I just said, ‘it’s so cool to see so many of you getting out and doing more stuff on Facebook, and just wanted to say it was so special to journey a little bit closer to you this year, and I’m just wishing you the very best as you re-emerge back into life’. I’m validating and appreciating what was, and naming that, and also stating, ‘best to you going forward’.”

“我的很多信息在（解除封鎖之后）逐漸減少，”Nelson說。她之前已經(jīng)給朋友發(fā)信息表明，雖然她想讓他們聯(lián)系的這道門一直開著，但她想坦率地告訴大家，她不希望他們之間的通信郵件保持封鎖期間的高頻率?！拔覍λ麄冋f,“看到如此多的人走出來并在Facebook上和做更多的東西真是太棒了！我想說這一年和你們重拾友情的經(jīng)歷非常特別。我希望你們很好地重新回到過去的生活”。我在確認和感激過去的一切，并把它們表達了出來，同時也在說，‘祝你未來順順利利’?！?/b>

The pandemic profoundly changed the way we socialise and how we approach relationships. As we enter a new phase of life, and begin to re-examine many of these relationships, experts say you definitely shouldn’t go around burning bridges, but don’t feel pressured to try and fit everyone back into your life. And try not to feel guilty that the friendship lapsed during the pandemic – experts say we should be easy on ourselves and forgive ourselves and each other, because the last 15 months really have been unprecedented.

這場疫情深刻地改變了我們的社交方式和處理人際關(guān)系的方式。當我們進入生活的新階段，并開始重新審視這些關(guān)系時，專家說，你絕對不應(yīng)該過河拆橋，但也不要感到有壓力，不用試圖讓每個人都回歸你的生活。不要為在疫情期間失去友誼而感到內(nèi)疚。專家說，我們應(yīng)該對自己寬容，原諒自己，原諒彼此，因為過去的15個月所發(fā)生的一切真的是前所未有的。

“If there’s a friend who you didn’t speak to at all during the pandemic, and things just totally chilled out – I mean, they got the message,” says Degges-White. “And they were probably sending you a message, too.”

Degges-White說:“如果你有一個朋友，在疫情期間你根本沒有和他說過話，那么你們之間所有的情感就都完全平息下來了。我的意思是，他們也已經(jīng)明白了這其中的意思。同時，他們沒有聯(lián)系你可能也是在給你傳遞信息?！?br />