QA：我該不該與虐待我的父親重歸于好？

Dysfunctional Families Now you listen to me, son. You have a boundary with that man that may just be the best thing for you and your family. Your girlfriend may not know what it is to be mistreated as a child but you and I do.
You are a man and soon will have a family to love and protect. Put your foot down. People who abuse children are evil. Period.

現(xiàn)在你聽我說的吧，孩子。你與那個(gè)男人現(xiàn)在有了界限，這可能是對你和你的家人最好的事了。你的女朋友可能不知道作為一個(gè)孩子被虐待到底是什么感受，但你和我是知道那是什么滋味的。
你是一個(gè)男人，而且很快就會(huì)有一個(gè)需要愛和守護(hù)的家庭?，F(xiàn)在把你回去找那個(gè)人的腳步放下吧，虐待兒童的人就是邪惡的，就這樣。
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Getting men to talk about their traumas is like pulling teeth though. I know I have a difficult time getting my partner to open up, so maybe the OP's wife-to-be may not know the whole story. He needs to explain to his fiancee exactly why he does not want his father to be apart of his, and especially not his future children's lives, and she needs to understand that her perfect image of having both their parents there for their wedding is not worth her partners’ mental health. It is just not that important to him to “reconnect” with his POS father, and she needs to respect that.

（回答評論）讓男人談?wù)撍麄兊膭?chuàng)傷就像拔牙一樣痛苦，比如我就知道我很難讓我的男朋友敞開心扉。所以，也許題主的未婚妻可能并不知道整個(gè)故事是怎樣的。他需要向他的未婚妻好好解釋一下為什么他不希望他的父親成為他生活的一部分，特別是不希望他未來孩子的生活里有他父親存在，而答主女朋友需要明白，她希望雙方父母都出席他們婚禮上的完美形象和她的伴侶的心理健康比起來完全不值得。對答主來說，與他的父親 "重新聯(lián)系 "并不是那么重要，她需要尊重這一點(diǎn)。 Don Daniels in an interfaith marriage for 45 years and countingJuly 6
有45年 的跨宗教婚姻

I have sort of been there. My dad was a narcissist and a racist, but not really abusive to me or my sister, he just always put what he wanted above what anyone else did. He would publicly mock me and humiliate me, and he and my mother vehemently disapproved of my marriage. I didn’t invite them, because they had made it clear they would not be coming (I was their only son and we were Jewish, and I was marrying my Italian-descent Roman Catholic bride in her church) but my bride sent them an invitation. The wedding was in Miami, and they were ex-pat Americans living in London, England.

我也有過這樣的經(jīng)歷。我父親是個(gè)自戀狂和種族主義者，雖然他也并沒有真正意義上虐待我或我妹妹，他只是總是把他想要的東西放在別人的事情之上。他會(huì)公開嘲笑我，羞辱我，而且他和我母親堅(jiān)決反對我的婚姻。我也沒有邀請他們參加婚禮，因?yàn)樗麄円呀?jīng)明確表示他們不會(huì)來（我是他們唯一的兒子，我們是猶太人，而我要在教堂里和我的意大利裔羅馬天主教新娘結(jié)婚），但我的妻子給他們發(fā)了邀請?；槎Y是在邁阿密舉行，而我父母是居住在英國倫敦的前美國人。

She had met him once, when he and my mom (whom she had met before) came to Miami, and during a dinner at her parents’ home, they did their best to humiliate me in front of her family, to persuade them to pressure her to break off the engagement. It didn’t work. My mom did come to Miami, explicitly to boycott the wedding. She had no way to get to the church, but expected me to leave and drive to her hotel, which was about 40 miles away from the church, where she would make a last attempt to talk me out of it. I told her she was nuts and hung up. Had she attended the wedding, she would likely have made a scene, hollering, etc. That’s just the kind of person she was when she got angry and determined enough. And she had traveled 5,000 miles to stop me from getting married; she was angry and determined enough. Over my obxtions, my wife insisted on paying the photographer for a “parents’ wedding album” for them, even though the only person there on my side was my sister, and my co-workers.

我妻子見過我父親一次，當(dāng)時(shí)他和我媽媽（她們以前見過）來到邁阿密，在我岳父岳母家的晚宴上，他們竭力在岳父母的面前羞辱我，勸說他們向我妻子施壓，讓她解除婚約。不過這并沒有奏效。而我媽媽又在婚禮前來到了邁阿密并明確表示要抵制這場婚禮。她不知道該怎么去教堂但希望我開車去她的酒店，那里離教堂大約有40英里遠(yuǎn)，在那里她會(huì)做最后的努力來說服我放棄婚禮。我告訴她她是個(gè)瘋子，然后掛斷了電話。如果她真的參加了這場婚禮的話，她很可能會(huì)在現(xiàn)場大吵大鬧，大喊大叫等等。當(dāng)她足夠憤怒和堅(jiān)定的時(shí)候，她就是這樣的人。而她跑了5000英里來阻止我結(jié)婚，她已經(jīng)足夠憤怒和堅(jiān)定了。不顧我的反對，我的妻子堅(jiān)持付錢給攝影師為我父母制作了 "父母的婚禮相冊"，盡管在場的只有我的姐姐和我的同事們。

I never closed off the lines of communication, though. They could call me at home or at work and I would always take their calls. I always answered their letters. (This was in 1974–5. Before emails, and phone calls were all AT&T (monopoly) ran about $2 per minute. So I didn’t call them, but I always took their calls.
Later, though, they mellowed. Maybe their first grandchild had something to do with that. They apologized for their behavior. They grew closer to my wife and her family when they finally moved to Miami Beach three years later.

不過我也從未關(guān)閉過溝通的渠道。他們有時(shí)在家里或工作時(shí)給我打電話，我總是會(huì)接他們的電話和回復(fù)他們的信件。(這是在1974-5年。在電子郵件流行之前，電話都是被壟斷的所以很貴，每分鐘大約要2美元。所以我沒有給他們打過電話，但一直會(huì)接他們的電話）。
不過后來他們也變得更成熟了，也許這與他們的第一個(gè)孫子有關(guān)系。他們?yōu)樽约褐暗男袨榈懒饲?。三年之后，他們也終于搬到了邁阿密海灘，并與我妻子和我岳父母也越來越親近。

You probably need to explain to her some of the things he did to humiliate you in public, and that you will not take the risk of him doing that on this, the wedding day! You do not want to remember that for the rest of your life, and you can tell her you would absolutely never be able to forgive them for that, and the fact that she insisted on enabling it would be sore spot in your relationship going forward that you might well rankle for years, if not forever.
I don’t know your father. Depending on how far off the wedding is, you might offer to give him another chance, but at the first sign that he is still abusive, it all stops. Red alx, the shields go up, and you revert to treating him as you would anyone else who displays hostile intent.

你可能需要向你父母解釋清楚他們在公共場合羞辱你的到底是怎么樣一回事，而且你不會(huì)冒著他們在婚禮上這樣做的風(fēng)險(xiǎn)！如果你不想在你的余生中后悔萬分的話，你可以告訴他們你絕對無法原諒他們，而他們堅(jiān)持那樣做的事實(shí)將永遠(yuǎn)成為你們關(guān)系中的痛點(diǎn)，否則你很可能會(huì)痛心疾首多年。
我并不了解你父親，但根據(jù)婚禮安排的時(shí)間長短，你可以提出再給他一次機(jī)會(huì)。但只要一有跡象表明他仍想著虐待你，一切都可以停下了。發(fā)出紅色警報(bào)，升起你的盾牌，像對待其他表現(xiàn)出敵意的人那樣對待他。 MewStrawberry Former Admin Assistant (2012–2015)
前行政助理（2012年至2015年）

Just like you, I don’t tolerate abusive, manipulative, or narcissistic behavior from anyone. I cut off ties or keep my distance. But I have noticed that it comes with a price. I cut ties from my father after he cheated on my mom, literally disowned and abandoned my siblings and I, and after hearing he would keep money from us and allowed us to go through financial struggle (tortillas and beans), I had enough reason to cut ties. He replaced us with his lovers kids and that left me scarred. But recently, he’s in a very lonely and unhealthy place. He was rushed to the ER because his blood levels were dangerously low, has some sort of stomach disease that isn’t allowing him to gain weight or process food correctly, and has knee problems.

跟你一樣，我從不容忍任何人的對我的虐待或操控行為，我會(huì)跟他們切斷聯(lián)系或保持距離。但我注意到這是有代價(jià)的。在我父親欺騙了我媽媽，從聽說他從我們這里克扣生活費(fèi)讓我們窮到吃玉米餅和豆子之后，我有足夠的理由并的確跟他斷絕了父子關(guān)系。他用他和他情人生下的孩子來取代了我們，這讓我留下了心理的傷痕。不過最近，他處在一個(gè)非常孤獨(dú)和生重病的狀況。他被緊急送往了急診室，因?yàn)樗难菨舛鹊偷梅浅ＮｋU(xiǎn)，他得了某種胃病使他不能夠正常的消化食物和增加體重，而且他膝蓋也有問題。

There are many reason I can justify my actions; there are plenty because he’s missed out on so many chapters in my life and he was never there when I needed him. These reasons are valid and the emotions are too, but I am recently learning the value of time. I heard from someone recently: “Don’t let those last years be full of sadness or tears.” Wise choices start with a person. I honestly don’t remember the last time I saw my dad, but I did talk to him recently. I’ve come to realize that I have been choosing to keep my distance from him all this time and that became even more hurtful than what he did. Why? Because I started thinking about my future, my future husband, my future children, in what kind of values, morals, stories etc. they will internalize and show as adults. I want my children to forgive me the day I fail them and they’ll do that because they saw it through me.

我有很多理由可以為我的行為辯解；有很多理由是因?yàn)樗e(cuò)過了我生命中的許多篇章，在我需要他的時(shí)候，他從來沒有在我身邊。這些理由和我的情緒都是合理的，但我最近正在學(xué)習(xí)時(shí)間的價(jià)值。最近我聽到有人說 "不要讓那些最后的歲月充滿悲傷或淚水"。明智的選擇從一個(gè)人開始。說實(shí)話，我不記得我最后一次見到我父親是什么時(shí)候，但我最近確實(shí)和他聊過天。我逐漸意識(shí)到了這段時(shí)間我一直選擇與他保持距離，這變得比他的所作所為還要更傷人。為什么我會(huì)意識(shí)到呢？因?yàn)槲议_始考慮我的未來，我未來的丈夫，我未來的孩子，以及我的孩子會(huì)在他們成年后會(huì)得到什么樣的價(jià)值觀、道德觀和他們的故事等。我希望我的孩子在我辜負(fù)他們的那一天能原諒我。

In the end, it is your choice. Abusive parents like the one you described, don’t deserve I think the role of being a parent. It’s just not fair for their kids nor the generations to come because it messes people up and it creates generational bonds that can be so hard to break. I don’t like how your gf is begging you or kind of pushing your buttons to do it. It’s not that simple. You don’t have to re-connect ties with him, but perhaps just finding closure on your end can help.

歸根結(jié)底，這還是要看你自己的選擇。像你描述的那種虐待你的父母，我認(rèn)為他們根本就不配做父母。這對他們后代一點(diǎn)也不公平，因?yàn)樗麄冎粫?huì)把一切搞得一團(tuán)糟，而且這還創(chuàng)造了難以打破的代際聯(lián)系。我很不喜歡你的女友是如何懇求你或者是如何逼迫你來讓你們和好的，這可不是那么簡單的事情。你不必與他重新建立聯(lián)系，也許只是在你單方面找到結(jié)束關(guān)系的機(jī)會(huì)就可以了。 Tom McKenzie Curmudgeonly Know-It-AllJuly 6 I’ve been there. I introduced my girlfriends to my father exactly once, making a point of keeping those interactions to an absolute minimum each time. When I severed my relationship with my father, I moved 500 miles away, and cut him - and everyone else in my family, once they began suggesting reconciliation - out of my life.

He’d met the women I wound up marrying the aforementioned once, but that didn’t stop him from having acid to spew in her general direction. She didn’t encourage reconciliation, and when we married, I made it a point to ensure that no one in my family knew about it in advance - just to ensure he didn’t make an appearance and ruin it.

我也有過這樣的經(jīng)歷。當(dāng)我每次把我的女朋友介紹給我的父親時(shí)，都把跟他的互動(dòng)保持在絕對的最低限度內(nèi)。當(dāng)我與我父親斷絕關(guān)系后，我搬到了500英里以外的地方，并把他和建議我跟他和解的所有家人從我的生活中剔除出去了。
他見過的我的一個(gè)女朋友最后跟我結(jié)婚了，但這并沒有阻止他向她噴酸液。我妻子也不鼓勵(lì)我們和解，當(dāng)我們結(jié)婚時(shí)，我特意確保了我的家人沒有人提前知道這件事，這也只是為了保證他不會(huì)突然出現(xiàn)并毀掉我們的婚禮。
原創(chuàng)翻譯：龍騰網(wǎng) http://mintwatchbillionaireclub.com 轉(zhuǎn)載請注明出處

There was a period of 9 years, 4 days from the day I moved away to the day he died. During that time and despite 500 miles distance, I know for fact he stopped by my homes twice and my place of business once - thankfully, in each case, I wasn’t there. We never spoke again after I left, and I waited until that man was dead and buried before my wife and I began having children, to ensure they’d never be exposed to him.
If you’re still accepting advice on this subject, or if anyone in a similar circumstance is reading this, understand this: there’s a damned good reason you cut ties. Leave them cut. Trust me - you’re better off. My break was nearly 30 years ago now, and while there’s not more than a few days that go by without thinking about my relationship with my father and how it ended, those days go by without a moment’s regret.

從我搬走的那天到他去世的那天，有9年零4天的時(shí)間。那段時(shí)間里盡管相距著500英里，但我知道實(shí)際上他在我家里停留過兩次，在我的生意場所停留過一次——幸好每次都是我不在的時(shí)候。在我斷絕父子關(guān)系后我跟他再也沒有說過一句話，我一直等到那個(gè)人死了埋了，我和我的妻子才開始生育孩子，只是確保我的孩子們永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)接觸到他。
如果題主還在尋求關(guān)于這個(gè)問題的建議，或者如果現(xiàn)在有任何處于類似情況的人正在讀我的回答，請要理解這一點(diǎn)：如果讓你要切斷關(guān)系有一個(gè)該死的好理由，那就切斷掉吧。相信我，你會(huì)過得更好的。我斷絕關(guān)系后至今已近30年，雖然也沒幾天能不想到我和父親的關(guān)系以及這是如何結(jié)束掉的，但那些日子已經(jīng)總算是過去了，我也沒有片刻遺憾。

Tanya Battaglia
She doesnt have to agree with your decision but she does need to respect it. I believe forgiveness is a powerful and beneficial thing to all people involved but that does not mean you HAVE TO try to reconnect with that person even if you forgive them. Theres a chance your father has changed with old age and is very regretful about how he treated you or he could be the same as before thinking he did nothing wrong. Ultimately its your choice if you want to find out. I do think some people regret not finding that out when an abusive parent dies, no real closure which I think is important.

你女朋友不一定要同意你的決定，但她確實(shí)需要尊重你的決定。我相信寬恕是一個(gè)很好的、對所有相關(guān)人員都有好處的事情，但這并不意味著你必須嘗試與那個(gè)人重新聯(lián)系，即使是你已經(jīng)原諒了他。你父親有可能隨著年齡的增長而改變，對他曾經(jīng)對待過你的方式感到非常后悔，或者他可能和以前一樣認(rèn)為自己沒有做錯(cuò)什么。歸根結(jié)底，如果你想找到答案的話，還是要看你自己的選擇。我確實(shí)認(rèn)為有些人很后悔沒有在虐待過他們的父母去世時(shí)發(fā)現(xiàn)這一點(diǎn)，我覺得這還是很重要的。

My fiance does not love his mother because she was neglectful and verbally abusive. He lives in her house but has no relationship with her even when she tries to do nice things for him. From what Ive seen she has tried to be different in his adult life but for him its “too late”. Ive asked him a couple times if he will invite his mom to our wedding but he always says no. Neither his mom or dad(he cares about his Dad but hes one of those “absent fathers”, let his mom always do & say what she wanted) will be attending and though I see that as a complete slap in the face to them Ive had to accept it and support him no matter what. I also have a bad relationship with my mom but will invite her because its the right thing to do in my opinion. But neither of us have suffered physical abuse like you so it is different.

我的未婚夫不愛他的母親，因?yàn)樗栌诠芙套约旱暮⒆?，而且言語上有虐待行為。他住在他目前家但與她沒有交流，即使他母親試圖為他做一些事情。據(jù)我所知，在他成年之后他母親也嘗試了改變，但對他來說已經(jīng) "太晚了"。我問過他幾次他是否會(huì)邀請他媽媽參加我們的婚禮，但他總是說不會(huì)。他的媽媽和爸爸（他還是關(guān)心他的爸爸，但他是那種 "缺席的父親"，讓他的媽媽總是做她想做的事和說她想說的話）都不會(huì)參加，雖然我認(rèn)為這完全是對他們的一種打臉，但我還是不得不接受，并且無論如何都要支持他。我和我媽媽的關(guān)系也不好，但我會(huì)邀請她，因?yàn)樵谖铱磥磉@是正確的事情。我們沒有像你一樣遭受過身體上的虐待，所以情況不太一樣。

If you havnt already try telling your girlfriend in DETAIL about how inviting your father makes you feel. Some men are better then others at explaining how they feel, maybe she doesnt truly understand especially if she had a different childhood. I know my boyfriend can be very vague when he first explains a feeling he has but I continue to question him in different ways to better understand. The mind of a man and a woman can be VERY different sometimes. It helps when one or both people in the relationship understands that.

你是不是還沒有嘗試跟你女朋友談?wù)劊敿?xì)說明一下邀請你父親會(huì)給你帶來的感受。不過也許她并不真正理解，特別是如果她有一個(gè)不同的童年。我知道我的男朋友在第一次解釋他的感覺時(shí)我感覺非常難以理解，但我繼續(xù)以不同的方式去詢問他以更好地理解他的感受。男人和女人的思想有時(shí)可能非常不同。如果關(guān)系中兩個(gè)人都能理解到這一點(diǎn)，就會(huì)有所幫助。 Nancy Denmark Studied Social Work (Graduated 1991)July 13
社會(huì)工作專業(yè)在讀
When I got remarried, I had no relationship with my mother and my then husband wanted me to have a relationship with my mom even though I told him all the reasons why I stay away. I gave in to him but he eventually found out that he should have left it alone. She tried to ruin our lives! I say, stand your ground with your gf. Explain that there are some things that need to stay buried, and you will not dig this back up. I wish i had done the same. I would work on forgiveness but that doesn’t mean having a relationship. The forgiveness is for you, so you don’t hold resentment that becomes bitterness. But that doesn’t mean going & trying to have a relationship unless you want to try to have one. But people have good intentions but don’t really understand that you know these people very well & they do not. I would even explain it to the gf that way. I know you have good intentions and I appreciate that but you don’t know this person. I have forgiven him or her but I will not give them another opportunity to hurt me or you. I am also protecting you! If you love me, you have got to trust me on this issue. That is what I should have done! 當(dāng)我再婚時(shí)，我與母親沒有任何聯(lián)系，而我當(dāng)時(shí)的丈夫希望我與母親重新聯(lián)系，盡管我已經(jīng)告訴過他所有我疏遠(yuǎn)母親的理由。最后我還是向丈夫屈服了，但他最終發(fā)現(xiàn)他不應(yīng)該管這事，因?yàn)槲夷赣H試圖毀掉我們的生活。我現(xiàn)在對你說，你對你的女朋友一定要堅(jiān)持你自己的立場。解釋一下有些事情是需要埋藏起來的，而且你不會(huì)再把它挖出來了。我希望我也能這樣，我會(huì)努力寬恕我母親，但這并不意味著我們就要有聯(lián)系。寬恕是為了自己，這樣就不會(huì)把怨恨變成痛苦。這并不意味著就去嘗試重新建立與他們的關(guān)系，除非你的自己真的已經(jīng)想好了。
人們總是很好心的勸你和好，但他們并不真正了解情況。如果是我的話我甚至?xí)@樣向你女友解釋：“我知道你是出于好意，我很感謝你，但是你并不了解這個(gè)人到底是啥樣的。我已經(jīng)原諒了他或她了，但我不會(huì)再給他們機(jī)會(huì)來傷害我或者你。我這也是在保護(hù)你啊! 如果你愛我的話，你就必須得在這個(gè)問題上相信我!” Mona Langer Animal Rescue Advocate (2004–present)May 31
動(dòng)物救援倡導(dǎo)者

Your GF is living in a fantasy world. Where everyone reconnects, hugs and lives happily ever after. Educate her. There are websites, articles, support groups… a million places to garner information. Ask her how she will feel the first time he beats one of your children. I am sure she would expect YOU to step in and stop it from happening, right? Well, what she doesn’t seem to realize… is that you ARE stopping it from happening. No one belongs in your life because the are related to you. They belong in your life from showing you love and respect. He has done neither and deserves the distance he gets. If she cannot understand how important your mental health is, and how unhealthy this would be for you… please don’t rush into a marriage. This type of behavior may be a pattern, and you need time to make sure that it is not. Your spouse should want to protect you from pain at all costs, not have their own personal agenda… which is… what? The image of a perfect family? Be careful, and good luck.

你女朋友真是生活在一個(gè)幻想的美好世界里。在那個(gè)世界里，每個(gè)人都會(huì)和好并重新聯(lián)系起來，擁抱彼此從此過上幸福的生活。好好教育一下她吧，有很多網(wǎng)站、文章、團(tuán)體......等無數(shù)的地方都可以獲得相關(guān)的信息。問一問她，如果你父親第一次動(dòng)手毆打你們的孩子，她會(huì)有什么感受。我相信她會(huì)希望你能介入其中并阻止這種事情的發(fā)生，對不對？那么，她似乎沒有意識(shí)到......你現(xiàn)在就是正在阻止這種事情的發(fā)生。沒有人因?yàn)楦阌惺裁搓P(guān)系就能插手進(jìn)入你的生活。屬于你的生活的人是因?yàn)樗麄兿蚰惚磉_(dá)了他們對你愛和尊重。而你父親這兩樣都沒有做到，所以他應(yīng)該得到的是跟你之間的疏離。如果你女朋友還是不能理解這你的心理健康有多重要，那就請不要急于跟她結(jié)婚。否則這類事情說不定以后還會(huì)像一種模式一樣繼續(xù)發(fā)生，而你現(xiàn)在需要時(shí)間來確保最好不會(huì)這樣。你的配偶應(yīng)該是不惜一切代價(jià)保護(hù)你免受痛苦的，而不是有他們自己的什么個(gè)人想法......總之，要小心注意，祝你好運(yùn)。

Andrew Milo Former Tech SupportJuly 26

前技術(shù)支持顧問

Don’t let people convince you to do something you wouldn’t convince them to do.
This is your decision. Ask your girlfriend why she wants you to reconnect? Depending on the family dynamics, she may think if your dad is not there, people she knows will use that as an excuse to shame her in some way, and she is more concerned or only concerned about that. and doesn’t care about the negative affect to your mental health on your wedding day.
Take that as alarm bells that you may need to work on some things. Neglect/abuse over time can affect your ability to stand up for yourself, and you end up in abusive relationships. Begging is manipulation, and shows a lack of respect for peoples decisions and in this case boundaries too.
Each time you conceded on something that negatively affects your mental health, you increase your chances of developing depression, anxiety anger issues, and other symptoms. Each time you stand up for yourself and make sure your rights are respected, you decrease the chances.

不要讓人們勸說你做一些你不會(huì)去勸說他們做的事情。
這是你自己的決定。問問你的女朋友，她為什么要你跟你父親重新聯(lián)系？根據(jù)目前家庭的動(dòng)態(tài)，她可能認(rèn)為如果你父親不出席婚禮的話，她認(rèn)識(shí)的人會(huì)以此為借口來以某種方式羞辱她，而她更關(guān)心或就只關(guān)心這一點(diǎn)，而不關(guān)心在你婚禮當(dāng)天這對你的心理健康所產(chǎn)生的負(fù)面影響。
把這當(dāng)作一個(gè)警鐘吧，你可能需要在一些事情上努力。之前長時(shí)間所遭受的的忽視和虐待行為會(huì)影響你為自己所站起來的能力，你最終會(huì)陷入到一種被虐待的關(guān)系中去。而你女朋友的懇求也是一種操控行為，表明她不尊重別人的決定，在這種情況下也是一種不尊重別人底線的行為。
如果你每次都在對你的心理健康有負(fù)面影響的事情上讓步，就會(huì)增加患上抑郁癥、焦慮癥、憤怒癥以及其他精神疾病的概率。而如果每一次你都能為自己站出來，確保你自己的權(quán)利得到尊重，你就減少了這種概率。