忘記你愛的人最好的方法是什么?(一)
What’s the best way to get over someone you love?譯文簡介
網(wǎng)友:你沒有忘記愛,實(shí)際上你甚至不想忘記愛。你想要忘記的即是迷戀、性吸引,也是依戀、依賴、已經(jīng)失望的期望、未實(shí)現(xiàn)的夢想。我知道你會說“不!不你不明白!我真的愛她/他”。是的,我知道,你真的愛這個(gè)人,但傷害你的不是愛......
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What’s the best way to get over someone you love?
忘記你愛的人最好的方法是什么?
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Janin Lyndovsky 我從來沒有計(jì)劃過什么,但我實(shí)現(xiàn)了我的夢想/目標(biāo)
What you want to get over is either infatuation/sexual attraction or attachment, dependency, disappointed expectations, unfulfilled dreams.
I know what you say “No! No! you don't understand! I really loved her/him”. Yes, I know, you truly loved the person, nonetheless what hurt you was not love, but all the other stuff I wrote about. And I do understand, because... I was there.
Many years ago, I was in a loving relationship. We did everything together – lived together, studied together and... emigrated together. We were seen as “the perfect couple”.
One day my relationship ended – he threw me out of our home. I was absolutely devastated. I was homeless, on the other end of the world, without money, family or friends and the pain of broken heart was unbearable. I truly loved the guy, and I still do, regardless of what he did to me (no, it is not going about the fact that he broke up with me, but that in the last year he was really mentally abusive and at the end he threw me out of the house, and I had nowhere to live – strangers helped me through). I couldn't imagine life without him, he was my everything, my life turned around him. Without him my life simply didn't make sense.
How I dealt with the situation? Well, I concentrated on my career, I had to work very hard in order to not lose my visa in Australia. I was also researcher at the uni, so the evenings I spent studying. I was lucky to have such a wonderful dad as I have, so for the first 3 months almost every evening I called him to talk about my pain of broken heart. My dad was telling me one “He wasn't the one for you. You will meet somebody else and then you will understand what true love really means”. Often I was getting upset with my dad saying: “You don't understand, he was the one! I truly loved him!”
你沒有忘記愛,實(shí)際上你甚至不想忘記愛。
你想要忘記的即是迷戀、性吸引,也是依戀、依賴、已經(jīng)失望的期望、未實(shí)現(xiàn)的夢想。
我知道你會說“不!不你不明白!我真的愛她/他”。是的,我知道,你真的愛這個(gè)人,但傷害你的不是愛,而是我寫的所有其他東西。我明白的,因?yàn)槲乙惨粯舆^。
許多年前,我處于一段充滿愛的關(guān)系中。我們一起做每件事——一起生活,一起學(xué)習(xí),還有......一起移民。我們被看作“完美的一對”。
有一天我的關(guān)系結(jié)束了——他把我趕出了我們的家。我徹底崩潰了。我在世界的另一端無家可歸,沒有錢,沒有家人和朋友,心碎的痛苦難以忍受。我真的很愛他,不管他對我做了什么,我仍然愛他(不,這不是因?yàn)樗臀曳质?,而是因?yàn)槿ツ晁恢痹诰裆吓按遥詈笏盐亿s出了家門,我沒有地方住——陌生人幫我度過了難關(guān))。我無法想象沒有他的生活,他是我的一切,我的生活被他改變了。沒有他,我的生活毫無意義。
我是如何處理這種情況的?嗯,我專注于我的事業(yè),為了不丟掉我在澳大利亞的簽證,我必須非常努力地工作。我也是大學(xué)的研究員,所以晚上我都在學(xué)習(xí)。我很幸運(yùn)有這樣一個(gè)好爸爸,所以在最初的三個(gè)月里,我?guī)缀趺刻焱砩隙冀o他打電話,告訴他我心碎的痛苦。我爸爸對我說:“他不是適合你的人。你會遇到其他人,然后你就會明白真愛的真正含義”。我經(jīng)常對爸爸說的話感到心煩意亂:“你不明白,他就是我命中注定的那個(gè)人!”我真的愛他!”
Three months after the break-up, I did something what everybody considered to be the most crazy thing I could do. Not having any money, I took a loan and bought... a motorbike. My financial situation was so bad, that I couldn't get any loan in Australia, and the only chance to get a loan was through... BMW (I lived in Germany and I had German driving license – somehow the people at BMW assumed that if I got deported from Australia, I would be deported to Germany and they would get their money back anyway). My loan wasn't small (everybody knows that BMW aren't cheap, even the second hand one...). Anyway, my dream, since I was a kid, was to ride on a motorbike across empty spaces of a foreign country. And it is what I did. I was working very hard during the week, and all weekends and holidays I spend traveling on a motorbike through Australia. I went to the most amazing places, met most wonderful people and had plenty of unforgettable adventures. And so I turned the worst year of my life into the most amazing time of my life.
I was sure I wouldn't be able to love again, but I was determined to move on with my life. I met somebody and got married – no, it wasn't love, it was just friendship, and... getting married wasn't the best decision I did in my life, but... I just wanted to get over the past. We bought a farm, that I absolutely love. So in some respect I had the perfect life – good job, a farm I always dreamed about, and no financial troubles. The farm filled the emotional emptiness in my life – I simply love the land and my animals.
我還有一個(gè)在澳大利亞的朋友,他就像我的兄弟一樣。我們時(shí)不時(shí)地聚在一起,玩的很開心。
分手三個(gè)月后,我做了一件大家都認(rèn)為是我能做的最瘋狂的事。因?yàn)闆]有錢,但我借了一筆貸款買了摩托車。我的財(cái)務(wù)狀況非常糟糕,在澳大利亞我無法獲得任何貸款,而獲得貸款的唯一機(jī)會是通過寶馬公司(我住在德國,我有德國駕照——不知怎的,寶馬的人認(rèn)為如果我從澳大利亞被驅(qū)逐出境,也會被驅(qū)逐到德國,他們無論如何都能拿回他們的錢)。我的貸款額度不?。ù蠹叶贾缹汃R不便宜,即使是二手車)。不管怎么說,從我還是個(gè)孩子的時(shí)候起,我的夢想就是騎摩托車穿越異國的空曠地帶。這就是我所做的:我每周工作日工作很努力,所有的周末和假期我都騎摩托車穿越澳大利亞。我去了最神奇的地方,遇到了最棒的人,經(jīng)歷了很多難忘的冒險(xiǎn)。所以我把我生命中最糟糕的一年變成了我生命中最令人驚奇的一年。
我確信我不能再愛了,但我決心繼續(xù)我的生活。我遇到一個(gè)人并結(jié)婚了——不,那不是愛情,只是友誼,還有結(jié)婚不是我一生中做的最好的決定,但是我只是想忘掉過去。我們買了一個(gè)我非常喜歡的農(nóng)場。所以在某些方面,我過著完美的生活——有一份好工作,一個(gè)我一直夢想的農(nóng)場,沒有任何經(jīng)濟(jì)困難。農(nóng)場填補(bǔ)了我生活中情感的空虛——我只是喜歡土地和我的動(dòng)物。
By the way, I never destroyed any photographs or anything what was bringing me closer to my former partner. I truly loved him, I got over the attachment and now when I look at all the photos from the past, I have smile on my face, because... The time with him was a beautiful chapter in my life, chapter that got closed to give a beginning for a new wonderful chapter in my life...
If you want to get over... attachment and disappointed expectations, then concentrate on that, what you love doing, regardless how crazy it might seem. Occupy your brain with this, what you love doing, be open to the world and to people, open to new opportunities in life and then, one day, you will get over the 'pain of broken heart'.
盡管如此,當(dāng)我遇到其他人的時(shí)候,我并不是在尋找愛情。我剛剛遇到這個(gè)家伙,我覺得我必須幫助他,他遇到了很多麻煩。我一直在支持他,在他需要我的時(shí)候,我都會支持他。我甚至不知道我愛那個(gè)家伙,只是想幫助他,讓他開心。有一天我爸爸說:“誰知道呢,也許你們兩個(gè)找到了對方。現(xiàn)在你知道,真愛的真正含義是“一開始我生我爸爸的氣,但是現(xiàn)在我知道我爸爸是對的。我全心全意地愛這個(gè)男人,他也深深地愛著我。我們不能像夫妻一樣在一起(我們的情況不允許我們這樣),但我們是非常親密的朋友,在最艱難的時(shí)候互相支持?,F(xiàn)在我明白了愛的含義,以及愛與依戀和期望之間的區(qū)別。我仍然愛著我的前任,我希望他一切都好,但我不想再和他住在一起了?,F(xiàn)在我找到了一個(gè)我愛的人,作為回報(bào),他深深地愛著我。我們不能在一起,但是沒關(guān)系。最重要的是愛本身——雖然我不能和他在一起,但在日常生活中,是他支撐著我。當(dāng)然,我想念我的朋友,我希望和他在一起,我甚至做不到不和他說話,對我來說,最重要的是看到他快樂,支持他實(shí)現(xiàn)他的目標(biāo)。
順便說一句,我從來沒有毀掉前任的任何照片或者任何親密的東西。我真的很愛他,我擺脫了對他的依戀,現(xiàn)在當(dāng)我看到所有過去的照片時(shí),我臉上都掛著微笑,因?yàn)楹退谝黄鸬臅r(shí)光是我生命中美麗的一章,這一章已經(jīng)結(jié)束了,為我生命中新的精彩篇章揭開了序幕。
如果你想克服依戀和失望的期望之類情緒,專注于你喜歡做的事情就好,不管它看起來有多瘋狂。用你熱愛的事情來充實(shí)你的大腦,向世界和人們敞開心扉,接受生活中的新機(jī)會,然后,總有一天,你會克服“心碎的痛苦”。
im in the middle of this myself. its been 5 months since we broke up, to the very day, actually. some of what i say may scare you, but i promise when you reach that point, you won't be scared anymore. I remember when it happened i didn't get out of bed for 2 weeks, my friends all came by and looked after me. i didn't eat, id dint study, i took time off work.
because he really was a great guy. and people can tell you ‘think of all the bad times’, or ‘he treated you like shit’, etc, but maybe you know deep down that he didn't. i don't know your particular situation, but I'm going to assume its the hard option. the option where two good people, who genuinely care, just can't make it work. its such a hard pill to swallow. because you can't go on singing ‘hair’ by little mix or something, you don't even feel like you cant say anything bad about him. here you are, broken hearted, and you can't even say he did anything wrong. you might be thinking, I'm not worth him, and thats why he left, I'm a weight off his shoulders. the truth is, worth isn't even a thing. unless someone is a mass murderer or something, the idea of people having worth or being better is absolutely ludicrous and in fact disrespectful to everyone alive on this planet. he may have been the ‘best’ man in the entire world, but you know what? he wasn't the best man for you. and thats what counts.
我自己也在這個(gè)狀態(tài)。事實(shí)上,到今天為止我們分手已經(jīng)5個(gè)月了。我說的有些話可能會嚇到你,但我保證當(dāng)你到了那個(gè)時(shí)候,你就不會再害怕了。我記得當(dāng)它發(fā)生的時(shí)候,我2個(gè)星期沒有下床,我的朋友都來照顧我。我不吃飯,也不學(xué)習(xí),還請假。
因?yàn)樗娴氖莻€(gè)好人。人們會告訴你“想想所有糟糕的時(shí)光”,或者“他待你像屎一樣”,等等,但也許你內(nèi)心深處知道他沒有。我不知道你的具體情況,但我認(rèn)為這是一個(gè)艱難的選擇。兩個(gè)真心相愛的好人,卻不能在一起。這是一件難以下咽的事情。因?yàn)槟悴荒芾^續(xù)唱《頭發(fā)》之類的歌,你甚至不會覺得你不能說他的壞話。你現(xiàn)在心碎了,你甚至不能說他做錯(cuò)了什么。你可能會想,自己配不上他,所以他離開了。事實(shí)上,價(jià)值根本不存在。除非有人是殺人犯或其他什么人,否則認(rèn)為人們有價(jià)值或變得更好的想法絕對是荒謬的,事實(shí)上這樣說對這個(gè)星球上每個(gè)人來說就是不尊重他們。他可能是全世界“最好”的男人,但你知道嗎?他不是你的如意郎君。這才是最重要的。
the breakup set off my depression, which i am susceptible to, and i seriously considered ending my life. i am still depressed over it, but not as much. it was only about a month ago that i realised a sad truth. there are some things in life we can't save, that we can't have, no matter how much we try. and when that happens it can be hard to take, but you have no choice. you have absolutely no choice but to survive through it and recover. for once, be a little selfish for a while, only think of what is best for you, even if its the hard thing to do. don't think about how he might be doing, you have to train yourself to not care. accept this is another chapter in a painful past. accept that you will likely never stop loving him. but one day you will wake up and decide that despite that, you would rather not see him.
我的前任是我的夢中情人。他風(fēng)趣,頑皮,非常英俊,肌肉發(fā)達(dá),每個(gè)人都喜歡他,他是如此有魅力。我想不出比他更好的人了。我不想讓你覺得我只是在談?wù)撟约?,但我想讓你知道,我很清楚你的感受。我知道記得最?xì)微的細(xì)節(jié)是什么感覺,當(dāng)分手的時(shí)候帶太陽鏡,我知道當(dāng)他難過的時(shí)候他會這么做,并且試圖掩飾,他不愿看我。我永遠(yuǎn)不會忘記那些太陽鏡。不要讓任何人低估你的感受。你正在經(jīng)歷一個(gè)悲傷的過程。從生物學(xué)上講,失去伴侶是你“最可怕的噩夢”,人們完全低估了它帶來的痛苦。盡你最大的努力不去想它。我們越是想著一段記憶,就越是會強(qiáng)化它。我現(xiàn)在幾乎記不起我們在一起的一些美好回憶,因?yàn)槲蚁魅趿怂鼈儭_@確實(shí)有幫助。晚上當(dāng)無法停止想他的時(shí)候,我就玩這個(gè)游戲:我數(shù)遍字母表,然后想到一種顏色匹配一種動(dòng)物,例如:杏黃色的食蟻獸,藍(lán)色的狒狒,青色的蜈蚣等等,聽起來很可笑,但很有效。
分手讓我變得抑郁,我很容易抑郁,我認(rèn)真地考慮過結(jié)束自己的生命。我至今仍然為此感到沮喪,但沒有以前那么沮喪了。直到一個(gè)月前,我才意識到一個(gè)可悲的事實(shí):生命中有些東西我們無法挽救,無論我們?nèi)绾闻?,也無法擁有。當(dāng)這種情況發(fā)生時(shí),你很難接受,但你別無選擇。你別無選擇,只能挺過去,恢復(fù)過來。稍微自私一點(diǎn),哪怕是一次,只考慮什么對你是最好的,即使這很難做到。不要去想他會怎么做,你必須訓(xùn)練自己不去在意。承認(rèn)這是讓痛苦過去的又一篇章。接受你可能永遠(yuǎn)不會停止愛他的事實(shí)。但總有一天你會醒來,做出決定盡管如此,你還是寧愿不見他。
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trust your body. know that moving on is a chemical proccess, too. surrender to your brain and your heart, and trust that they will heal
go no contact. seriously, you will NEVER get over it if you don't do this first for at least a year
it can be healthy in the start to feel a bit of hate, but after a few months, learn to not hate him. find inner peace
remember the bad things he did do, even if they were small
if your young, talk to people 40+ about their young relationships.
take this opportunity to get closer to friends and family
reorientate your life , make sure your goals are purely about you or your family
become what you loved about him- this sounds weird i know. but when i realised i didn't need to him to be ripped, or handsome, or kind etc for me, but i could be those things, i tried. i started going to the gym, i tried to do a few kind acts a day, and i discovered that by becoming the things i loved about him, i didn't need him so much anymore.
dont pretend to be fine if your not. cry it out, just cry it all out. i cried every day for about 2/3 months
if you ever want to talk, message me. i know its hard.
一些建議:
相信你的身體。要知道,繼續(xù)生活也是一個(gè)化學(xué)過程。臣服于你的理智和內(nèi)心,相信它們會治愈你。
不要聯(lián)系。說真的,如果做不到至少一年不聯(lián)系,你將永遠(yuǎn)走不出來。
可以在剛開始的時(shí)候覺得有點(diǎn)討厭他,但幾個(gè)月后,學(xué)會不恨他。找到內(nèi)心的平靜。
記住他做過的壞事,即使是小事。
如果你還年輕,和40歲以上的人談?wù)勊麄兡贻p時(shí)的戀愛關(guān)系。
利用這個(gè)機(jī)會與朋友和家人走得更近一些。
重新定位你的生活,確保你的目標(biāo)是完全有關(guān)于你自己或你的家人的。
成為你喜歡的那個(gè)人——我知道這聽起來很奇怪。但當(dāng)我意識到我不需要他的肌肉、英俊或善良等,但我可以成為這些東西時(shí),我嘗試了。我開始去健身房,我試著每天做一些善舉,我發(fā)現(xiàn),當(dāng)我成為我喜歡那樣人時(shí),我不再那么需要他了。
如果你很不好,就不要假裝很好。哭出來吧,哭出來吧。我哭了大約二十天。
如果你想談?wù)劊o我發(fā)信息。因?yàn)槲抑肋@很難。
It is the same as getting over any other loss. Don't let it dominate your life. Give yourself a short time to mourn and during that time cry your eyes out. When you're done crying, you're done crying. Get back into your routine. Continue with business as usual and adopt new hobbies to fill the void if necessary. It will get easier every day.
This is going to hurt. Breakups hurt. Deaths of loved ones hurt. Losing friends hurts. Losing your childhood stuffed friend hurts. We feel pain when we lose connections in our lives, and even though your feelings were not reciprocated, they were real for you. The pain is normal, it sucks, and you're not going to like it. It is nevertheless part of life and it is something you must accept.
The difference between successfully getting through this pain and losing yourself in it is the actions you take immediately following its onset. The more time you spend in bed sulking over the loss the slower your recovery will be. The more quickly you can adopt your normal routine the faster it will be. We are creatures of habit.
When you're doing all the stuff you usually do when you're happy, your brain is going to start being happy again. When you continue doing everything you do when you're miserable, your brain's going to continue to stay miserable.
這和克服其他任何損失是一樣的。不要讓它主宰你的生活。給自己一小段時(shí)間來哀悼,在這段時(shí)間里痛哭流涕。當(dāng)你哭完的時(shí)候,回到你的日常生活中。像往常一樣繼續(xù)工作,如果有必要,培養(yǎng)新的愛好來填補(bǔ)空白。這將變得越來越容易。
這會很痛的,分手讓人很傷心,親人的死亡讓人受傷。失去朋友讓人受傷。失去兒時(shí)朋友很痛苦。當(dāng)我們在生活中失去聯(lián)系時(shí),我們會感到痛苦,即使你的感覺沒有得到回報(bào),但痛苦的感覺對你來說是真實(shí)的。疼痛是正常的,很難受,你不會喜歡這種感覺。然而,這是生活的一部分,你必須接受。
成功地度過痛苦和在痛苦中迷失自我的區(qū)別在于你在痛苦開始后立即采取的行動(dòng)。你在床上生悶氣的時(shí)間越長,你恢復(fù)就會越慢。你越快適應(yīng)你的日常生活,它就會越快恢復(fù)。我們是習(xí)慣的動(dòng)物。當(dāng)你在做那些你快樂時(shí)通常會做的事情時(shí),你的大腦會再次變得快樂起來。當(dāng)你繼續(xù)做那些你在痛苦時(shí)做的事情時(shí),你的大腦也會繼續(xù)痛苦下去。
Here's what I do. Take a day off. On that day, go the grocery store and pick up two boxes of tissues. Go home and go through your stuff and find things that remind you of the relationship. Reflect on your memories. Open up the wound, and then, cry your ass off. Cry, cry, and keep on crying. Don't hold it back. Don't think of it as "unmanly" or "childish" or whatever other thing the voices in your head are telling you it is. It is the right thing to do. You cry and you keep on crying until you're all cried out, and then if you feel like crying more later, you cry more later. When you've cried all the tears you need to cry, blow your nose, drink a glass of water, and if it's late, go to bed. The next morning, you make yourself breakfast, take your shower, go to work, go visit your friends, do any chores, and you keep on living. You gave this relationship the mourning it needed. It's time to get on with your life.
From that day on you will always miss the person or thing you lost. You will miss your friend you'll never see again. You will miss your deceased parent. You will miss your ex. But you will keep on living and it will not stop you from being happy. I've found this to be the best way to deal. I mourn as hard as I can for as long as I need to, and then once I've had enough, I've had enough. I continue living my life. Don't feel guilt. Don't feel shame. Don't feel regret. You don't deserve any of those feelings. Life includes a lot of hard and sad things. When they happen, it's ok to feel sad. It's also ok to feel happy the rest of the time.
In short, cry, and then get back to your routine. Hope this helped you out
當(dāng)你想盡快回到正常生活時(shí),有一段時(shí)間的哀悼仍然很重要。如果沒有適當(dāng)?shù)陌У?,你可能會把你的感覺塞進(jìn)一個(gè)黑暗的小洞里,它們會吞噬你的潛意識。你不會想那樣的。給自己一段時(shí)間的哀悼,但要確保是有限的時(shí)間之內(nèi),并且要確保這是真正的哀悼,而不是通過尋求別人的同情來讓自己覺得自己很重要。
我是這么做的:請一天假,去雜貨店買兩盒紙巾?;丶曳茨愕臇|西,找出能讓你想起這段感情的東西。反思你的記憶,把傷口切開,然后大哭一場。哭,哭,一直哭。別猶豫了,不要認(rèn)為這是“沒有男子氣概”或“孩子氣”或其他任何你腦海里的聲音告訴你的事情。這是正確的選擇。你會哭,一直哭,然后如果你想哭得厲害些,你就哭得更厲害。當(dāng)你哭完該哭的眼淚,擤擤鼻子,喝杯水,如果很晚了,就上床睡覺。第二天早上,你給自己做早餐,洗澡,上班,去拜訪朋友,做任何家務(wù),然后繼續(xù)生活。你給了這段感情它需要的哀悼。是時(shí)候繼續(xù)你的生活了。
從那天起,你會一直想念你失去的人或事。你會想念你再也見不到的朋友。你會想念你已故的父母。你會想念你的前任,但你會繼續(xù)生活,這不會阻止你快樂。我發(fā)現(xiàn)這是最好的解決辦法。只要我需要,我就會竭盡全力地哀悼,一旦我受夠了,我就受夠了。我繼續(xù)我的生活。不要感到內(nèi)疚。不覺得羞愧,不要覺得遺憾,你不應(yīng)該有這些感覺。生活中有很多艱難和悲傷的事情。當(dāng)它們發(fā)生時(shí),感到悲傷是正常的。在其他時(shí)間感到快樂也是可以的。
總之,哭一場,然后回到你的日常生活中去。希望這能幫到你。
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