你見過(guò)有人放棄自己的生命嗎(上)

Jay Bazzinotti, Be Here Now
I’ve seen this happen more than once. Once, when I was a Product Manager in charge of a product line we made the mistake of promoting an Engineer into Marketing. As soon as he put on that white shirt and tie he suddenly thought he was “somebody”. From a demure, curious Engineer he became an imperious Know-it-all who knew nothing and embarrassed himself. But then it got worse. He attended some day-trading seminar and now he was going to get rich overnight. He was on the phone with his broker constantly, buying and selling and never completing his assigned tasks. We had lost all respect for him.
But the worst came when we were sent to a trade show in Las Vegas. He showed up at the booth without a belt. Our management considered us under-dressed at the office if we wore sport coats instead of two piece suits and he was showing up to attend customers without a belt. Our manager was aghast. They sent him out to buy a belt. He missed the first four hours of the show. But it got worse. We were in Las Vegas and when the booth closed he hit the tables. He was there all night, losing money by the thousands. When the show opened the next day he didn’t show up for two hours and when he did show up it was in the same clothes. He was unshaven and reeked of booze. He looked like Hell and he was shaken. He had lost so much money he couldn’t think straight. The boss sent him to get cleaned up. He never returned. He went back to the tables. By the end of the show he had lost his house. He was a wreck on the plane going home. He had no idea what he was going to tell his wife. The following work day he showed up in his suit and tie - and the boss and HR were waiting for him. He was walked out within minutes. In less than a week he had lost all his savings, his house and his job. I never saw anyone so broken in so short a time.
Another time I worked with a crackerjack engineer who was a non-conformist. This was usually tolerated in most companies. But as the company’s fortunes waned he became more and more erratic. The company was in a death spiral and it seemed to affect him deeply. People were bailing left and right but he had been there for 17 years and it was his life. The products he built were like his children. He was way too invested in the ongoing success of the company and he railed against anyone and everyone whom he thought was impeding the success of the company. The problem was that the products were too weak, the competition too strong and the sales force too incapable. In addition, Management was absolutely clueless.

這種事我見過(guò)不止一次。有一次，當(dāng)我還是一個(gè)產(chǎn)品線的產(chǎn)品經(jīng)理時(shí)，我們犯了一個(gè)錯(cuò)誤，把一個(gè)工程師提拔到市場(chǎng)部。他一穿上那件白襯衫，打上領(lǐng)帶，就突然覺得自己是個(gè)“大人物”。他從一個(gè)矜持、好奇的工程師變成了一個(gè)自以為是的萬(wàn)事通，什么都不知道，只會(huì)讓自己難堪。但后來(lái)情況變得更糟了。某一天他參加了的短線交易研討會(huì)，他從此打算一夜暴富。他經(jīng)常和他的經(jīng)紀(jì)人通電話，一買一賣，但從未完成分配給他的任務(wù)。我們對(duì)他失去了所有的尊重。
但最糟糕的是我們被派去拉斯維加斯參加一個(gè)貿(mào)易展。他沒系皮帶就出現(xiàn)在攤位上。如果我們穿著運(yùn)動(dòng)外套而不是西裝兩件套，我們的管理層會(huì)認(rèn)為我們?cè)谵k公室穿得不得體，而他是在不系皮帶的情況下出現(xiàn)在客戶面前。我們的經(jīng)理嚇了一跳。他們派他出去買皮帶。他錯(cuò)過(guò)了展會(huì)的前四個(gè)小時(shí)。但情況變得更糟了。我們當(dāng)在拉斯維加斯的展臺(tái)關(guān)閉時(shí)，他因損失了成千上萬(wàn)的錢而拍打桌子，整夜都如此。第二天展會(huì)開始時(shí)，他有兩個(gè)小時(shí)沒有露面，而當(dāng)他露面時(shí)，他穿著同樣的衣服。他胡子沒刮，渾身酒氣。他看起來(lái)糟透了，渾身發(fā)抖。他損失了很多錢，以致于無(wú)法正確思考。老板讓他弄整潔下。他再也沒有回來(lái)。演出結(jié)束時(shí)，他已經(jīng)失去了房子。他在回家的飛機(jī)上完全是行尸走肉狀態(tài)。他不知道如何告訴他妻子。第二個(gè)工作日，他穿著西裝打著領(lǐng)帶出現(xiàn)了:老板和人力資源部都在等他。幾分鐘之內(nèi)他就被掃地出門。不到一個(gè)星期，他就失去了所有的積蓄、房子和工作。我從未見過(guò)有人在這么短的時(shí)間內(nèi)如此受傷。
還有一次，我和一個(gè)杰出的工程師一起工作。他是一個(gè)不遵循傳統(tǒng)規(guī)范的人，這在大多數(shù)公司中通常是可以容忍的。但隨著公司的衰落，他變得越來(lái)越古怪。公司陷入了死亡漩渦，這似乎深深的影響了他。人們四處逃難，但他已經(jīng)在那里呆了17年，這就是他的生活。他制造的產(chǎn)品就像他的孩子一樣。他對(duì)公司的持續(xù)成功做了很多工作，他對(duì)任何他認(rèn)為阻礙公司成功的人都大加指責(zé)。問(wèn)題是產(chǎn)品太弱，競(jìng)爭(zhēng)太激烈，銷售隊(duì)伍太弱。此外，管理層又完全不懂。

In a few short years we had spiraled downhill from well over 120 million dollars annually to about 20 million and falling fast. I was on my way out along with anyone who still had even half a clue . And then we needed him to go onsite to talk to our last big customer, the one customer who was keeping the company solvent. He was needed to explain how we would incorporate the features they needed. In fact, there was never any plan to do what they wanted - we no longer had the ability to accomplish it and make a profit so the goal was to stall them or convince them why they didn’t need the features. But when we were all sitting around the table with the customer, on their site, and he was asked to speak, he said, “What the hell is wrong with you people? You’re suckers. We’re never going to make these changes.”
I have never seen such a meltdown in front of a customer before. Silence reigned. What can you say after that? The meeting broke up. He was fired instantly - but he couldn’t understand why. When HR came to his office, he locked the door and refused to leave. We had to call the police. He had to be physically carried from the building. It was not a building with card-keys, but with a real tumbler lock and he had keys. We had to change all the locks on the building. He would try to enter the building through the loading dock and sneak back to his office and do work. The police were called more than once. His wife would come and take him away. When he couldn’t get in he would hang around the door with his big dogs and frighten the hell out of the employees. Legal action finally had to be taken. He was mentally destroyed. He eventually got a job as the most junior technician at some other failing company. He was no longer capable of functioning as the senior electrical engineer he had once been.

在短短的幾年里，我們已經(jīng)從每年超過(guò)1.2億美元急劇下降到2000萬(wàn)美元左右，而且下降速度很快。我和一個(gè)有線索的人一起出去了。然后我們需要他去與我們最后一位大客戶交談—唯一個(gè)讓公司有償付能力的客戶。他需要我們解釋將如何整合他們需要的功能。事實(shí)上，從來(lái)沒有計(jì)劃去做他們想做的事情—我們不再有能力去完成它并從中獲利，所以我們的目標(biāo)是拖延或者說(shuō)服他們這些功能為什么是不需要的。但當(dāng)我們?cè)诳蛻裟抢锊⑴c客戶圍坐在一起，他被要求發(fā)言時(shí)，他說(shuō)：“你們到底怎么了？你們這些笨蛋。我們永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)做出這些改變。永遠(yuǎn)不，要習(xí)慣它?！?br /> 我以前從未在客戶面前遭遇過(guò)如此情況。當(dāng)時(shí)就寂靜無(wú)聲，那之后你能說(shuō)什么？直接散會(huì)了。他立即被解雇了，但他不明白為什么。當(dāng)人力資源部來(lái)到他的辦公室時(shí)，他鎖上了門，拒絕離開。我們不得不報(bào)警。他不得不被抬出大樓。這座建筑不上芯片鎖，而是一把普通的鎖，他有鑰匙。我們不得不更換大樓上所有的鎖。他會(huì)試圖通過(guò)裝貨碼頭進(jìn)入大樓，然后溜回辦公室工作。警方不止一次接到電話。他的妻子會(huì)來(lái)把他帶走。當(dāng)他進(jìn)不來(lái)時(shí)，他會(huì)和他的大狗在門口閑逛，把員工給嚇壞了。最后不得不采取法律行動(dòng)。他精神崩潰了，他最終在另一家倒閉的公司找到了一份最初級(jí)的技術(shù)員的工作。他不再能像以前那樣擔(dān)任高級(jí)電氣工程師了。

Christopher Seaton, lives in The United Kingdom

克里斯托弗·西頓，現(xiàn)居英國(guó)

Sure.
I threw away my own life.
I was always top of the class. Top sets at school. The smartest kids. Chess team. Good at all sports. It just came naturally. Consequently my school reports were peppered with “must try harder”. I could do it. I just didn’t enjoy it. My parents were very education focused. Neither of them had been to university and they were determined that their boys would have the chances that hadn’t had.
My older brother was smart as well. He did everything right. Worked hard at school. Studied. Went to university. Had a fantastic career. Is doing very well. I was supposed to do that. I didn’t want to.
I didn’t know what I wanted. I was told I could be anything. I didn’t want to be the things that people wanted me to be.

當(dāng)然，我就放棄了自己的生命。
我總是班上第一名。學(xué)校里的尖子生、最聰明的孩子、加入國(guó)際象棋隊(duì)、擅長(zhǎng)各種運(yùn)動(dòng)，這都是自然而然的。因此，我的學(xué)業(yè)報(bào)告中充斥著“必須更加努力”。我能做到，我只是不喜歡。我的父母非常注重教育，他們兩人都沒有上過(guò)大學(xué)，他們下定決心，他們的孩子會(huì)有前所未有的機(jī)會(huì)。
我哥哥也很聰明，一切都做得很好。在學(xué)校努力學(xué)習(xí)并上了大學(xué)。他有一個(gè)了不起的職業(yè)生涯。他做得很好，我應(yīng)該也走同樣的路，但我不想。
我不知道我想要什么。我被告知我可以成為任何人，但我不想成為人們希望我成為的樣子。

I bought a battered old acoustic guitar off a friend and learnt to play a few chords. Once I got to 6th form college and there was a looser leash regarding class attendance I quickly stopped going. My parents were fraught. “What are you doing with your life?” became a constant refrain for the next few years as I moved further and further away from the person I was supposed to be have been. Even then I still landed a plum trainee management job at 19 with then retail giant WHSmith. I remember one of the suits who regularly turned up from Head Office say to me that if I worked hard I could be in his position in 10 years.
I quit within a year and went back to college. I didn’t want that.
And then I just bummed about. I was thrown out of uni for non attendance. I did a lot of drugs. I played in bands. Had sex. Lived on the breadline. Worked here and there in crap jobs. The ones I liked best were the boring ones when you could spend your shifts reading. By then I was onto the big Russians and the big French authors. I kind of thought I might write a book one day but other than some dodgy poetry and song lyrics I didn’t really write. I thought maybe I could be a successful musician but I knew I didn’t have the drive for that. It was just fun.
Family visits were often tense. I was the classic drop out pot smoking black sheep. My mother would cry and my father would lecture. I would try to explain that I sort of knew what I was doing and that despite what they thought I was happy and having an adventure, but they didn’t really want to hear that. By the time I was 25 I was washing pots in a kitchen at a university .

我從一個(gè)朋友那里買了一把破舊的原聲吉他，并學(xué)會(huì)了彈一些和弦。一旦我上了中六，對(duì)上課出勤率有了更寬松的約束，我很快就不去了。我的父母憂心忡忡?！澳氵@輩子干什么？”在接下來(lái)的幾年里，當(dāng)我越來(lái)越遠(yuǎn)離我本該成為的人時(shí)，這句話一直不停的重復(fù)。即便如此，我還是在19歲的時(shí)候在當(dāng)時(shí)的零售巨頭WHSmith找到了一份不錯(cuò)的實(shí)習(xí)管理工作。我記得總公司經(jīng)常出現(xiàn)的一位西裝革履者對(duì)我說(shuō)，如果我努力工作，我可以在10年內(nèi)做到他那個(gè)職位。
我不到一年就辭職了，回到了大學(xué)。我不想要那樣工作。
然后我就到處游蕩。我因曠課被大學(xué)開除了。我吸了很多毒。我在樂(lè)隊(duì)里演奏、做愛?？烤葷?jì)生活。到處做些垃圾工作。我最喜歡的是無(wú)聊的那種你可以在上班時(shí)間看書的工作。那時(shí)，我已經(jīng)了解了俄羅斯和法國(guó)的大作家。我曾想過(guò)有一天我可能會(huì)寫一本書，但除了一些拙劣的詩(shī)歌和歌詞，我并沒有真正寫過(guò)。我想也許我能成為一名成功的音樂(lè)家，但我知道我沒有那種動(dòng)力。只是好玩而已。
家訪時(shí)往往很緊張。我是典型的中途退學(xué)又吸大麻的害群之馬。我母親會(huì)哭，我父親會(huì)訓(xùn)斥。我試著解釋說(shuō)，我知道自己在做什么，盡管他們認(rèn)為我很開心，在冒險(xiǎn)，但他們并不想聽這些。在我25歲的時(shí)候，我正在一所大學(xué)的廚房里洗鍋碗瓢盆。

And that is where it all changed. I liked that job. It was busy and chaotic. The food was amazing. My first experience with fine dining. I loved the drama and madness of a busy service. I was hooked from the start. I am a creative person. I need to making things or I’m not happy. That’s why I couldn’t study. I just couldn’t. I don’t function like that. I have always been playing guitar, writing songs, making pictures and art. I knew I didn’t want the path that had been mapped out for me but for a long time I didn’t know what I wanted instead. And then there it was. A month or so after I started they employed a new young head chef who I very quickly hit it off with over a shared interest in similar music and movies. He encouraged my burgeoning interest in food and food preparation. I was the guy doing longer and longer hours. Soon I was in whites and going to college on my day off. I just wanted to learn everything. I would study the menus for upcoming events and look up the dishes in my now growing library of second hand cookery books (pre internet, this was the 90s). I volunteered to do the late nights. The big dinners. I learnt from the ground up. I have done every job in a kitchen. And I did them well. I listened and did what I was told. The head chef continued to mentor me and even told me when it was time to move on to further my career.
That was about 20 years ago. I have been very successful. Still want to learn. A few years ago my parents came to visit me and I showed them round my then new kitchen. My first head chef job at the same university where I first found my passion for food. They were very proud.
So, yeah. I threw my own life away. And then I forged a new one. One that I truly wanted to live.
Thanks for reading.

這就是一切改變的地方，我喜歡那份工作：繁忙和混亂。食物太棒了，我第一次體驗(yàn)美食。我喜歡繁忙服務(wù)的刺激和瘋狂。我從一開始就被迷住了。我是一個(gè)有創(chuàng)造力的人。我需要做些事情，否則我不開心。這就是我不能學(xué)習(xí)的原因。我就是不能進(jìn)行那樣的工作：一直在彈吉他，寫歌，畫畫和藝術(shù)。我知道我不想要為我規(guī)劃的道路，但很長(zhǎng)一段時(shí)間我都不知道我想要什么。然后它就出現(xiàn)了。在我開始工作大約一個(gè)月后，他們雇用了一位新的年輕廚師長(zhǎng)，我很快就和他一拍即合，對(duì)類似的音樂(lè)和電影有著共同的興趣。他鼓勵(lì)了我對(duì)食物和準(zhǔn)備食物的興趣。我是那個(gè)工作時(shí)間越來(lái)越長(zhǎng)的人。很快我就穿上了白色的衣服，在休息日上大學(xué)，我只是想了解一切。我會(huì)研究即將到來(lái)的活動(dòng)的菜單，并在我現(xiàn)在不斷變多的二手烹飪書籍庫(kù)中查找菜肴（這是90年代互聯(lián)網(wǎng)之前）。我自愿在深夜工作。有豐盛的晚餐、我從頭開始學(xué)習(xí)。我做過(guò)廚房里所有的工作，而且做得很好。我聽從命令，照做。主廚繼續(xù)指導(dǎo)我，甚至告訴我什么時(shí)候該規(guī)劃我的職業(yè)生涯。
那是大約20年前的事了。我非常成功，我仍然想學(xué)。幾年前，我父母來(lái)看我，我?guī)麄儏⒂^了我當(dāng)時(shí)的新廚房。我的第一份主廚工作是在我第一次發(fā)現(xiàn)自己對(duì)食物的熱情的那所大學(xué)，他們非常自豪。
所以,我放棄了自己的生命。然后我鍛造了一個(gè)新的人生、一個(gè)我真正想要的生活。
感謝你的閱讀。

Elias Fredericks lives in New York

Elias Fredericks ，住在紐約。

In 7th grade, I befriended a girl, let’s call her G.
She was really nice, funny, and fun to be around.
We went to a private school, that had about 7 people per grade, so she was very lucky and supported, and even though she had some issues, they were kept under control in this school environment.
The big mistake G made was decided that the next year, she wanted to go to public school.
In public school, your individual problems aren’t really cared about.
The lack of support in the school environment started to lead her down the wrong path.
She one day, out of the middle of no where, started cursing out a bunch of people in our group chat, is posting pictures of her smoking weed on her social media, and told me that she is failing most of her classes.
Some people just aren’t meant for public school.
She threw her life away when she had the ability to be somewhere where she could be supported and helped, but chose to not be.

七年級(jí)時(shí)，我和一個(gè)女孩交上了朋友，我們叫她G。
她真的很好，很有趣，和她在一起很有趣。
我們?nèi)チ艘凰搅W(xué)校，每年級(jí)大約有7人，所以她非常幸運(yùn)，得到了支持。盡管她有一些問(wèn)題，但在這個(gè)學(xué)校環(huán)境中，這些問(wèn)題得到了控制。
G犯的一個(gè)大錯(cuò)誤是第二年，她決定上公立學(xué)校。
在公立學(xué)校，你的個(gè)人問(wèn)題并不被真正關(guān)注。
學(xué)校環(huán)境中缺乏支持，這使她走上了錯(cuò)誤的道路。
有一天，不知從哪里冒出來(lái)，她開始咒罵我們?nèi)豪锏囊蝗喝?，在她的社交媒體上發(fā)布她吸食大麻的照片，并告訴我她大部分課程都不及格。
有些人就是不適合上公立學(xué)校。
當(dāng)她有能力在某個(gè)地方得到支持和幫助時(shí)，她選擇了不去，她就放棄了自己的生活。

Rahul D Souza, Technical Engineer at VMware (2017-present)

Rahul D Souza，VMware技術(shù)工程師（2017年至今）

A close friend of mine. He was a bright student, brightest of the lot I would say. All that he lacked was the peace if mind. The continual stress to excel if he had to take up Science in his Pre-Uni. The never ending taunts, the unfinished textbooks and the state on the face of his parents killed the bubbly little kid within him.
All he needed was a little support. All he needs was a ear that listens, a hand that holds his hands and tells him that it's okay. A warm hug with the assurance that they had his back no matter what. All he got was ‘ Beta, Study'. How much weight can you put on a already tired soldier. .
He finally found peace in the sharp edge of the blade. He found eternity when the blade played against the vein. The boy lost himself on the verge of finding success.

我的一位密友是一個(gè)聰明的學(xué)生，我得說(shuō)他是所有學(xué)生中最聰明的。他所缺少的只是內(nèi)心的平靜。如果他必須在大學(xué)預(yù)科學(xué)習(xí)科學(xué)，他就會(huì)不斷地感到壓力：無(wú)休止的奚落，未完成的教科書，以及他父母臉上的表情扼殺了他內(nèi)心那個(gè)活潑的孩子。
他所需要的只是一點(diǎn)支持。他需要只是一只傾聽的耳朵，一只握住他手的手，告訴他沒事。一個(gè)溫暖的擁抱，保證無(wú)論發(fā)生什么他們都會(huì)支持他。他得到的只是“測(cè)試，研究”。你能給一個(gè)已經(jīng)疲憊不堪的士兵增加多少重量。
他終于在鋒利的刀刃上找到了平靜。當(dāng)?shù)度信c靜脈搏斗時(shí)，他找到了永恒。那男孩在快要成功的時(shí)候迷失了自己。

After every soul is lost at the hands of a rope or of a knife, we weep and eventually forget. Picture this: Your body is lying in your room, motionless. The sister you fought with last night and countless other nights sees you like that. She will never be the same little kid again. She will have nightmares for the rest of her life. The mother who scolded you yesterday is numb. Motionless, a little different from you, she will blame herself for the rest of her incomplete life. Your father who took you to the garden on his piggy back after work, no matter how tired he was, now has to carry your lifeless body, praying with all his might that he could save you. You never saw him cry? Well, you should see him now. Your best friend will hold on to the last few memories in which you smiled. She will cry into her pillow every night. She will forever think about everything she could have, should have and would have said only if you were alive.
Suicide doesn’t take away the pain; it just gives it to someone else. Also, choosing alternatives like drugs and cigars too would be an alternative to ruining your life itself.
If there's anyone who feels suicidal and is reading this, I really hope you see this because i just wanted to let you know that there's someone who cares about you..You may not know them,but i promise you there's someone out there.I care,I really do,and would hate to find out that you harmed or ended your life.I promise people will notice if you were gone,and they would be sad,very sad.Please don't hurt yourself,I'm thinking of you,praying for you and hoping that things will get better for you.There are people out there who care for you - SMILE ..I'm not telling you that its going to be easy,I'm telling you that its going to be worth it .YOU CANNOT BE REPLACED.

在每一個(gè)靈魂被一根繩子或一把刀奪去之后，我們哭泣，最終忘記。想象一下：你的身體躺在房間里，一動(dòng)不動(dòng)。昨晚和你吵了一架還有無(wú)數(shù)個(gè)晚上和你吵了一架的妹妹看到你這樣了。她再也不是以前的那個(gè)孩子了。她的余生都會(huì)做惡夢(mèng)。昨天罵你的母親已經(jīng)麻木了。她一動(dòng)不動(dòng)，與你稍有不同，她余生會(huì)在自責(zé)中度過(guò)。不管他有多累，下班后背著你去花園的父親，現(xiàn)在都不得不背著你的死尸，竭盡全力地祈禱他能救你。你從沒見過(guò)他哭嗎？好吧，你現(xiàn)在應(yīng)該去看看他。你最好的朋友會(huì)記住你微笑的最后幾段記憶。她每天晚上都會(huì)對(duì)著枕頭哭。她會(huì)永遠(yuǎn)想著她能擁有、應(yīng)該擁有、并且只有在你活著的情況下才會(huì)說(shuō)的一切。
自殺并不能消除痛苦；它只是把痛苦給了別人。此外，選擇毒品和雪茄之類的替代品也會(huì)毀了你的生活。
如果有人覺得有自殺的念頭并且正在讀這篇文章，我真的希望你看到這篇文章，因?yàn)槲抑皇窍胱屇阒烙腥岁P(guān)心你，你可能不認(rèn)識(shí)他們，但我向你保證有人在那里。我在乎，我真的很在乎，我保證人們會(huì)注意到你的離去，他們會(huì)感到悲傷，非常悲傷。請(qǐng)不要傷害你自己，我在想你，為你祈禱，希望你一切都會(huì)好起來(lái)。外面有人關(guān)心你，微笑，我不是告訴你這會(huì)很容易，我告訴你，一切都是值得的，你是無(wú)人能替代的。