你有五分鐘的時間準(zhǔn)備迎接一名闖進(jìn)你家想要?dú)⑺滥愕娜?。你不能離開房間。你的生存策略是什么？
You have 5 minutes to prepare before a guy breaks into your house with the intention to kill you. You can not exit your house. What is your strategy to survive?
譯文簡介
評論區(qū)大致分為：真正的美國人?派，智勇雙全派和脫個一絲不掛整活派
正文翻譯
You have 5 minutes to prepare before a guy breaks into your house with the intention to kill you. You can not exit your house. What is your strategy to survive?
你有五分鐘的時間準(zhǔn)備迎接一名闖進(jìn)你家想要?dú)⑺滥愕娜?。你不能離開房間。你的生存策略是什么？
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Turn shower on, for some reason I have a shovel behind my wardrobe?? So grab that. Wait for him to check shower, whack with shovel. Boom.
把淋浴器打開。不知道為什么我衣柜后頭有一把鐵鍬？所以拿起來。等他去看淋浴器，就用鐵鍬給他一下子。梆。
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The shovel is really underrated. Once your primary obxtive is complete you can go out back and dig a hole.
鐵鍬真的太不受重視了。等你的主要任務(wù)完成之后，你就可以出去挖坑了。
Duct tape a bunch of knives to the end of one of those tall lamps to make a spear of blinding and then proceed to go sicko mode.
用膠帶綁幾把刀子到落地?zé)舻臒粽稚?，造一把致盲之槍，然后瘋了一樣開捅。
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Spear of blinding is a severely underrated weapon AND band name
致盲之槍是被嚴(yán)重低估的武器名，以及樂隊名
Spear of Blinding
致盲之槍
+5精神 +100干他媽的
Im now imagining a nude man with said spear of blinding running and screaming at the intruder lM. Take my upvote
我現(xiàn)在腦補(bǔ)出了一個裸男拿著那把致盲之槍一邊喊一邊沖向闖入他房間的人，笑死我了。給你點(diǎn)個贊。
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Sadly improvised weapons only do about 1d4 damage
可惜簡易制作的武器只能造成1d4的傷害
I'm just imagining you running at the murderer with your blinding spear and you both freeze in confusion when the lamp unplugs long before you get to them.
我只是想象了一下你拿著你的致盲之槍沖向殺手，然后你的落地?zé)舨孱^掉了，你倆都愣在原地了。
Corner camp with a shotgun
拿噴子蹲墻角
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FUCKING CAMPER YOURE NOT EVEN GOOD BRO
操你媽的蹲逼不會玩別玩
Don't forget the claymores.
別忘了闊劍地雷。
Peeking with an AWP is more effective
用大狙Peek顯然更有效。
Yeah this definitely doesn’t seem like a US oriented question lol
太對了這顯然不是給美國人提的問題哈哈哈
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It's not camping, it's aggressively waiting.
這不是蹲逼，這是進(jìn)攻性等待。
Imagine getting shot and your killer does Fortnite dances over your dying body
想象一下你被一槍崩死，然后殺你的人在你的尸體上跳堡壘之夜里的舞
Imagine dying while calling your killer a n00b
想象一下臨死之前說殺死你的人是個菜逼
Go into third person perspective
切換到第三人稱視角
crouch wiggling left and right
一邊蹲著一邊左右晃
I get the vacuum cleaner ready in a certain room, I turn it on as hes about to enter to create a distraction, then I jump out when he's inspecting the noise and bonk the fucker on the head with the piece of 2 inch steel tube I keep as a weapon.
我在另一個房間把吸塵器準(zhǔn)備好。等他一進(jìn)來我就把吸塵器打開讓他分心，然后在他檢查吸塵器的時候我就跳出來，用我留著當(dāng)武器的2英寸鋼管給他的腦瓜子狠狠來一下。
Put a lamp shade on my head and stand in the corner of the room
往我的腦袋上放個燈罩，然后站在房子角落
Ah yes, a classic of the adult film industry
太對了，成人電影行業(yè)的經(jīng)典
What are you doing, step lamp?
你在做什么，后燈？
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Works if you're mostly a leg.
如果你渾身就是條腿的話說不定管用。
而且是一條好腿。
Put the kettle on. He’s getting boiling water thrown at him while he becomes intimately acquainted with the sharpest knife i own.
燒上熱水。他會被潑一臉的開水，同時與我擁有的最鋒利的刀來一次親密接觸。
add sugar to that water and you are now golden
往水里放點(diǎn)糖，你就無敵了
Prison napalm
監(jiān)獄自制凝固汽油彈
Yep except add both sugar and rock salt in that boiling water. Sugar to increase the burn factor & get muscle deep instead of skin deep and then lots of salt for that extra sting we want to see.
沒錯，最好是往開水里再放點(diǎn)糖和鹽。糖是用來增加燒傷系數(shù)，讓你能燒到肌肉而不只是皮膚，而大量的鹽能夠帶來我們樂意見到的更劇烈的刺痛。
Add some carrot and an onion for flavor.
再加點(diǎn)胡蘿卜和洋蔥提味。
Wait how does this help
等等放糖為什么有用
I’m fairly sure the sugar makes it adhesive
我很確定糖會讓開水變得有粘性
所以現(xiàn)在糊在你臉上的就是100攝氏度的漿糊了。
yep, it sticks and brings your melting skin with it
沒錯，它會糊在你身上，并且會帶著你融化的皮膚一起淌下來。
How much sugar are we talking about? Like, fully saturated mixture? Keep adding more until it stops dissolving?
最好加多少糖？就，完全飽和的溶液？一直加直到停止溶解？
just to get it thick enough to make it like a watery gel, the more you add the stickier it gets. Its all personal preference really
一直倒糖，直到變成凝膠一樣的狀態(tài)就行。你加的糖越多，它就越粘稠。全看個人喜好。
Right idea, wrong liquid. Heat up oil. Oil burns are so much worse and will cling to the attacker.
想法不錯，液體錯了。應(yīng)該燒油。熱油造成的燙傷要嚴(yán)重的多，并且也能掛在襲擊者身上。
Load my shotgun and and lay a large plastic cover over the floor. Then I wait.
給我的霰彈槍上好子彈，然后在地板上鋪一張大塑料布。然后等著就行了。
Smart. Keep the cleaning bill low.
聰明。省了一筆打掃的費(fèi)用。
Go to my room, grab my pistol, shoot myself to avoid any chance of social interaction.
去我自己的房間，拿起我的手槍，對我自己開一槍以避免進(jìn)行任何社交的可能性。
"Hell is other people." - Jean-Paul Sartre
“他人即地獄。”——讓-保羅·薩特
The only correct response
唯一正確的回應(yīng)
Adolf is that you?
阿道夫，是你嗎？
My husband said why wouldn’t they shoot the attacker, I said cause then they’d have to deal with the police. I approve, my husband on the other hand does not.
我丈夫說為什么他們不開槍打死那個襲擊者，我說那樣他們就得跟警察打交道了。我同意，我丈夫不同意。
Why not just stand in front of the door they're coming in through and shoot them the moment they get through?
為什么不站在他們進(jìn)來的正門口，等他們一進(jìn)來就沖他們開槍呢？
Good grief man, do you have ANY idea how many questions the cops would be asking????
我的天哪兄弟，你到底知不知道警察會問你多少問題？
heh, heh.. I'm American, with a 5 min head start.
呵呵……我是個美國人。我有五分鐘的時間做準(zhǔn)備。
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反正不管怎么著，我就開始突突了……
Make sure he gets inside the house a bit before you blast him. Looks fishy if the guy is outside and you have to drag him in.
你得確保他走進(jìn)你家的門，然后再把他崩了。要是那人還沒進(jìn)門呢你硬把他拖進(jìn)來，那看起來可能會有點(diǎn)可疑。
Hollow points already loaded dudes fucked
空尖彈已經(jīng)裝好了，丫等著倒霉吧。
Plenty of time to drink a beer or two first.
甚至有時間喝一兩瓶啤酒。
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Right?! like, a WHOLE 5 minutes?! a whole 5 minutes is a long time in American home defense time.
對吧？！就，整整五分鐘？！整整五分鐘對于美國人捍衛(wèi)家庭的時間來說可太長了。
Right, this is the most softball question if you're American.
太對了，對于美國人來說這真的是最直球的問題了。
“哦，不好說，可能我就直接拿起公寓門口的槍看看接下來怎么著吧。”
It would take me about 90 seconds to put on the body armor…man I should bring that upstairs.
我可能需要花90秒的時間把防彈衣穿上……哎我就應(yīng)該把它帶上樓的。
Pull out 14 inch dildo and ruthlessly beat him to death with it.
拔出我14英寸長的假屌，將他毆打至死。
Pull it out of where, exactly?
從哪拔出來的？
Hairspray and a lighter to his face.
沖他的臉噴發(fā)膠，以及打火機(jī)。
My husband would have loved you. He would torch bugs inside the house when the swatter didn't work. Used to scare me death he'd catch the curtains.
我丈夫肯定很喜歡你。蒼蠅拍不管用的時候，他就會這么把蟲子給燒死。我曾經(jīng)嚇得半死，害怕他把窗簾給燎了。
lock my dogs up because i don't want them to see this
先把我家狗鎖起來，因為我不想讓他們見到
脫個一絲不掛，然后渾身涂滿橄欖油
輕輕地把一柄刀子塞進(jìn)我的后門，當(dāng)然是把手朝上塞進(jìn)去
關(guān)掉所有的燈
殺手進(jìn)來的時候，我只把我們兩個人所在的屋子的燈的打開
他們都蒙了。他們甚至可能會笑出來。他們沒準(zhǔn)備好……
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我大喊一聲朝他們跑去，他們還是覺得沒有威脅
跑到兩尺之內(nèi)，我就從后面寶刀出鞘，刺向殺手的喉嚨
What if you did a like 720 and slit his throat with the knife in your ass?
你要是做個空中720度轉(zhuǎn)體然后屁股夾著刀子把他們的喉嚨劃開豈不更帥？
place a knife gently in my asshole, handle first of course
引用：“輕輕地把一柄刀子塞進(jìn)我的后門，當(dāng)然是把手朝上塞進(jìn)去”
感謝你特別指出
Do you take the blade out of your ass, or do you stab him bumblebee style?
你是把刀子從屁股里拔出來，還是直接像蜜蜂那樣捅他？（譯注：蜜蜂我真繃不住了）
Scream random insults in Macedonian while throwing things and using vacuum cleaner pipe to attack him
用馬其頓語大喊亂七八糟的罵人話，然后一邊扔?xùn)|西一邊用吸塵器的管子打他
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Get the gun and dial 911.
拿起槍，然后打911
Real AmericansTM dial 1911
真正的美國人?都打1911（譯注：M1911，著名手槍）
Get the 1911 and dial gun.
拿起1911，然后打槍
As a wise engineer one asked, "how am I supposed to stop some mean mother hubber from tearing me a structurally superfluous new behind?" To which he stated "the answer is a gun. And if that don't work, use more gun."
正如一名睿智的工程師曾經(jīng)說過的，“我該怎么阻止某個狗娘養(yǎng)的在我的后背開一個大口子？”他的回答是，“答案是拿一把槍。如果不管用，就多拿幾把槍?！?/b>
laughs in American
用美式英語放聲大笑
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American:"Fucking FINALLY"
美國人：“他媽的可算等著了”
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Haha. Yeah, this question took me a second. Like, “what else would you do besides grab your gun???”
哈哈。太對了。這種問題讓我愣了一秒鐘。我想，“除了拿起槍還有別的選項嗎？”
We'd take too long to decide which one to use
我們可能要花太長時間考慮用哪吧。
I use my couch gun. If not that then the bookshelf gun. If not that then the kitchen gun. If not that then the bathroom, bedroom, or laundry room gun. Preferably the bedroom gun though.
我用沙發(fā)的那把槍。不行的話就書架上那把。還不行的話就廚房里那把。再不行就衛(wèi)生間，臥室，或者洗衣間那把。我還是比較喜歡臥室那把。
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This guy Americas!
這家伙夠美國！
Who says I want to survive? Dude can go ahead.
誰說我想活著了？讓那哥們自便吧。
"Make it quick. I haven't got all day!"
“整快點(diǎn)，我沒一整天跟你耗！”
I live in the US of A. I've been preparing for this moment my whole life.
我在美利堅合眾國生活。我這輩子都在準(zhǔn)備著這一刻。
I'm going to unlock the door, first off, no sense wasting money on fixing whatever damage the idiot does, then I'm going to spend about four minutes and fifty seconds desperately trying to teach my dogs about "restraint". I may take some time to put down newspaper or towels where I think most of the blood will wind up.
首先我要把打開，省得那幫蠢貨把我的門砸壞了我還得花錢修，然后大概花4分鐘50秒的時間盡量教會我的狗怎么學(xué)會“克制”。我或許得在血最有可能濺出來的地方鋪上點(diǎn)報紙或者毛巾之類的。
上次這種事情發(fā)生的時候我不在家。兩個男的闖進(jìn)了我家，對我的租客造成了威脅。當(dāng)時我養(yǎng)的狗，盡管不是我現(xiàn)在養(yǎng)的了，還是把那兩個人送進(jìn)了醫(yī)院。我現(xiàn)在養(yǎng)了四只狗，加起來總重超過500磅，最大的兩只狗之前經(jīng)歷過這種事。
此外，我自己也長得跟食人魔差不多，我塊頭很大，并且經(jīng)常“干農(nóng)活”，任何在農(nóng)場里住過的人都知道這會讓你鍛煉出特別的力量。我還有一大堆的劍，斧頭，矛之類的，所以我發(fā)自內(nèi)心地祝愿任何試著闖進(jìn)我家的人好運(yùn)。我希望他們闖的時候別落下什么永久性的殘疾。
I throw a chair at him
我朝他仍把椅子。
然后再扔一把。
Now he has two chairs, so he'll feel silly if he came alone, and will leave of embarrassment.
現(xiàn)在他就有兩把椅子了。所以他會因為自己一個人來的而感到羞恥，在尷尬中離開。
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People are talking about guns and stuff, I'd put on a Halloween mask and have a chain saw. He'd shit his pants 100%
大伙都在說槍什么的，我戴個萬圣節(jié)面具再拿個鏈鋸，他100%會把屎都嚇出來。
Zastava M70 (Hungarian AK-47 variant) with two loaded magazines, a Taurus 856 .38 revolver with hollow points, and a baseball bat. I won't be trapped in a house with them, they'll be trapped in a house with me!
扎斯塔瓦M(jìn)70（匈牙利的AK-47），兩個壓滿的彈匣，一把裝上空尖彈的Taurus 856 .38口徑左輪，再戴一頂棒球帽。不是我被和他困在一個房子里，是他被和我困在一個房子里！
The Zastava is Yugoslavian not Hungarian. And now the factory is in Serbia.
扎斯塔瓦是南斯拉夫的兵工廠，不是匈牙利的。工廠現(xiàn)在在塞爾維亞。
Tell him "Stop. i do not want to be touched or injured" He cannot legally murder you without your consent.
跟他說“停下，我不想被你碰也不想受到傷害?！睕]有你的許可，他不能合法地謀殺你。
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Have my wife start bitching at him. He’ll leave.
讓我老婆開始串他閑話。他肯定走。
Defend yourself, not torture the guy.
讓你自衛(wèi)，沒讓你虐待他人。
How long does it take for me to get a life insurance policy?
現(xiàn)在買一份人身保險需要花多久？
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替我一個朋友問的
Own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.
為了保衛(wèi)家庭，買一把滑膛槍吧，因為這就是國父的意愿。四個惡棍闖進(jìn)了我的房間?！昂畏窖?？”我一邊拿起撲了粉的假發(fā)和肯塔基步槍一邊說。在第一個人身上打出一個高爾夫球大小的洞，他當(dāng)場死亡。拔出手槍對準(zhǔn)第二個人，結(jié)果完全沒打中，因為手槍是滑膛的，結(jié)果打中了鄰居家的狗。我只能后撤到樓梯上的加農(nóng)炮上，里面已經(jīng)裝好了開花彈?！斑?，吃俺一炮！”開花彈撕碎了兩人，巨大的聲響和碎片引發(fā)了汽車報警器。我裝好刺刀，向最后一個落荒而逃的鼠輩發(fā)起沖鋒。他在等待警察抵達(dá)現(xiàn)場的過程中失血而死，因為三棱刺刀的傷口是不可能縫合的。正如國父的意愿。