QA問答：那些有過外遇的男人，在往后的生活中，是否后悔過沒有離開你的妻子？
For men who have had an affair, did you ever regret not leaving your wife later in life?
譯文簡介
我離開了她，為了那個說“只想擁有我”的女人。
我十分后悔。損失遠遠超過了一時的“快樂”。
事實上，我自己如果愿意誠實的話，根本沒有什么快樂。我和妻子在一起時從未感到過興奮。后來，終于有了墜入愛河的感覺。那就像一場夢。
正文翻譯
For men who have had an affair, did you ever regret not leaving your wife later in life?
那些有過外遇的男人，在往后的生活中，是否后悔過沒有離開你的妻子？
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I left her for the woman who “just had to have me.”
I deeply regret it. The losses far outweighed any momentary “pleasure.”
In fact, to be brutally honest with myself, there was no pleasure. Just anxiety. Some excitement I’d never felt with my wife. The feeling of finally being in love. It was such a dream.
我離開了她，為了那個說“只想擁有我”的女人。
我十分后悔。損失遠遠超過了一時的“快樂”。
事實上，我自己如果愿意誠實的話，根本沒有什么快樂。我和妻子在一起時從未感到過興奮。后來，終于有了墜入愛河的感覺。那就像一場夢。
那個曾經(jīng)和我維系過關(guān)系的女人，很難說是外遇，因為當時性并不是最重要的，一切都是為了情緒。結(jié)果，我發(fā)現(xiàn)她是一個隱蔽的智力自戀者。
我們結(jié)婚后，她很快就甩了我。被甩的痛苦是可怕的。與此同時，我的前妻找到了一個非常正派的男人，那個男人實際上是我的朋友，他的發(fā)妻去世了。他們婚后非常幸福。
Regrets! I want to write a book, “So, You Are Thinking of Having an Affair.” Any married man with a brain who has an affair will be able to reason through it and realize it is just a bad idea. There is no winning with an affair. Only regrets.
我，63歲，離婚了，負債累累，住在一所廢棄的房子里。
后悔！我想寫一本書，《所以，你在考慮外遇？》。任何有外遇的已婚有頭腦的男人都能推理，并意識到這只是一個壞主意?；橥馇槭遣豢赡塬@勝的。只有后悔。
Fairly common for people to want what they can't have.. until they have it.
人們總是想擁有他們不能擁有的東西，這很常見……直到他們擁有它。
Forgive yourself. You've already paid for it. I hope you find happiness again. Everyone deserves to be happy
原諒自己。你已經(jīng)為此付出了代價。我希望你能再次找到幸福。每個人都應(yīng)該幸福。
Why? He only feels sorry for himself. He can’t even spare a thought on what he’s done to his wife.
理由？他只是為自己感到難過。他甚至都沒好好的思考過他對他的妻子做了什么。
You got all that from one answer? That's some talent you have.
你從這個答案中看到了這些？你居然有這樣的天賦。
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It’s all very clearly in the text. You can see for yourself, it certainly doesn’t take talent. Just a bit of comprehensive reading, you should try to master it.
他寫得很清楚，你可以自己看，這不需要天賦。只要一點閱讀理解能力，你就應(yīng)該努力掌握它。
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I read it and wouldn't presume to know everything from one answer
我讀過了，我不會想當然的認為從一個答案中可以知道一切。
Even in the text, he says the pain of being discarded by his second wife was horrible… with no reflection about how his first wife must have felt when he did the same thing to her.
Maybe this answer doesn’t fully represent his thoughts and experiences, but based on this answer alone, he seems sorry that he got caught, not sorry for what he actually did.
在文本中，他表示了被第二任妻子拋棄的痛苦是可怕的……卻從來沒有想過，當他對他的第一任妻子做同樣的事情的時候，她的感受。
也許這個答案并不能完全代表他的想法和經(jīng)歷，但僅憑這個答案，他似乎只是對自己嘗到了苦果感到遺憾，而不是對自己實際做的事情感到抱歉。
Sure, he's talking about his own pain here. That doesn't mean he doesn't care about the pain he caused his wife. He's still hurting and she's happy with another man.
當然，他在這里談?wù)摰氖撬约旱耐纯?。這并不意味著他不在乎自己給妻子帶來的痛苦。他還在受傷，而她和另一個男人在一起很開心。
But you have to admit my conclusions are logical.
但你必須承認我的結(jié)論是合乎邏輯的。
We don't know that his wife was devastated. It may be that the marriage wasn't happy for either of them and him leaving her was a relief which ultimately led to her finding a man who gave her what she needed. Either way of course he betrayed her. Even in an unhappy marriage an affair is an awful betrayal.
We don't know. That's why we fill in the blanks. I choose to fill them in with a very unhappy man who made a big mistake and is still paying the price. No matter his mistakes I think he deserves happiness. I think we all do. There are few things that are unforgivable where the person deserves to suffer forever. I don't believe this is one of them.
我們不知道他的妻子是否曾經(jīng)悲痛欲絕過。也許在婚姻中，他們兩人都不幸福，而他離開她是一種解脫，最終她找到了一個能給她所需的男人。
不管怎樣，他當然背叛了她。即使在不幸的婚姻中，外遇也是一種可怕的背叛。
我們不清楚實際情況，所以我們自己填補了空白。我選擇用一個非常不開心的人來填補空白，他犯了一個大錯誤，但仍在為此付出代價。
不管他犯了什么錯誤，我認為他都應(yīng)該得到幸福。我想我們都是這樣。很少有什么事情是不可原諒的，沒有哪個人需要永遠受苦。我不認為他需要永遠受苦。
It remains telling that all he’s about is himself. There’s no hint of empathy. Who knows what the blanks entail. And I don’t think he should suffer forever. I do know that without introspection and acknowledging the consequences of your actions for others, then one is doomed to repeat the same mistakes out of selfishness.
To be clear, indeed it’s not as if he committed a horrible crime for which he should be damned to an eternity in hell or something. Far from it. He’s reaping what he’s sown, that’s more than enough. But I’m also not going to tell him he’s a pure innocent lamb.
他寫的東西告訴我們，他只關(guān)心他自己。沒有任何同情的必要。誰知道他沒寫的是什么內(nèi)容。我認為他不應(yīng)該永遠受苦。我認為，如果不能反省并承認你的行為對他人的后果，那么，這個人注定會因為自私而重蹈覆轍。
需要明確的是，事實上，他犯下的罪行，還沒有到需要詛咒他下地獄的地步。遠遠沒達到這個程度。不過，他正在收獲他播種的，這已經(jīng)足夠了。但我也不會告訴他，他是一只純粹無辜的羔羊。
I didn't portray him as innocent. Nor did he portray himself as innocent. Wallowing in his regret serves no purpose for him or his ex wife. It's time to move on for him and find some peace and happiness. Life is too short for regret
我沒有把他描繪成無辜的。他也沒有把自己描繪成無辜的。讓他一直沉迷在后悔中，對他和他的前妻都沒有任何意義。是時候繼續(xù)前進了，找到一些平靜和幸福。人生苦短，不要一直后悔。
Your conclusions are entirely logical.
你的結(jié)論完全合乎邏輯。
Well, clearly his wife has moved on and found a better man.
很明顯，他的妻子已經(jīng)離開了，找到了一個更好的男人。
It’s a question about his feelings. It’s not a question about his ex’s feelings.
這是一個關(guān)于他的感受的問題，和他的前任當前的感受沒有關(guān)系。
My reply pertained to the previous comment, not the original answer. It’s telling though he doesn’t feel bad about what he’s done to his wife.
我的回答與之前的評論有關(guān)，而不是最初的回答。他對自己對妻子所做的一切并不感到難過，這很能說明問題。
You might want to take your own advice and reread the question and the OP. The questioner wanted to know how men had an affair felt.
More importantly he not only acknowledges his regret he also that has found someone better.
我可能希望自己的答案被采納，重讀這個問題和主題。提問者想知道男人有外遇的感覺。
更重要的是，他不僅承認自己后悔了，而且前妻也找到了更好的人。
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His regret only pertains to the fact his affair partner turned out to bring him misery and now he’s divorced, in debt and lives in a dump. Also telling is that he doesn’t mention feeling bad about what he’s done to his wife.
I suggest you read the text more carefully.
他的后悔，只是因為他被外遇對象甩了，為此感到痛苦，現(xiàn)在他離婚了，負債累累，生活在垃圾堆里。此外，他沒有提及對妻子所做的一切感到難過。
我建議你仔細閱讀文本。
Maybe you should be less judgmental and realize that his remorse in the comment was not overt but he clearly had thought about how he hurt his ex-wife which can be seen in his clear headed & understanding way of explaining his ex-wife’s new marriage.
也許你應(yīng)該少評判，你需要意識到他并沒有公開自己對前妻的自責，但他顯然想過自己是如何傷害前妻的，這從他可以清醒的解釋和理解前妻的再婚，可以看出來。
it’s ok. We don’t know the full story. He just shared a slice of his life and deserves some empathy.what if he held back what his wife did wrong ? Or maybe not , I’m which case
I’m Probably wrong
行吧，我們都不知道全部情況。他只是分享了自己生活的一部分，應(yīng)該得到一些同情。如果他隱瞞了妻子的錯誤怎么辦？當然也可能不是那種情況。
我可能錯了。
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I am glad that your ex found true love.
我很高興你的前任找到了真愛。
That's a fairly brutal and unsympathetic comment to a guy pouring out his heart about a big mistake he made and living in misery now. Of course it's good that she's happy now, and it sounds like she was the innocent victim of his mistake - but for all you know, the answerer might have been more so her ‘true love’, if such a thing even exists.
這是一個相當殘忍和無情的評論，針對一個對自己犯下的一個重大錯誤傾吐心聲，現(xiàn)在生活在痛苦中的人。
當然，她現(xiàn)在很幸福是件好事，聽起來她是他錯誤的無辜受害者。
但是如你所知，如果真愛真的存在，那么回答者可能更像是她的“真愛”。
What he has done to her was brutal and unsympathetic as well. And it was his decision. We are talking about adults who knows the consequences of their actions. I have 0 sympathy.
他對她的所作所為既殘忍又無情。這是他自己做出的決定。我們談?wù)摰氖悄切┲雷约盒袨楹蠊某赡耆?。我對這此沒有半點同情。
I wish there were more replies like this because sometimes I do want to be in a relationship with another man, but it probably isn’t the best decision long term
我希望能有更多這樣的回復(fù)，因為有時我確實想和另一個男人談戀愛，但從長遠來看，這可能不是最好的決定。
That depends almost entirely on your relationship with your current man.
這幾乎完全取決于你和你現(xiàn)在的男人的關(guān)系。
Hard to get my head around that how one can have an ‘emotional affair’ with a cerebral narcissist! I mean someone gets you like no one else, empathic, kind and one gets emotionally hooked with that person - that I do get
Not a snide comment at all but a genuine attempt to understand.
我很難理解，一個人怎么會和一個智力自戀者發(fā)生“情感關(guān)系”！我的意思是，有些人會讓你變得與眾不同，富有同情心，善良，而有些人會讓在情感上感覺著迷——這我都明白。
我不是想要發(fā)表刻薄的評論，只是想要嘗試理解這件事情。
Narcissists are very good at making their targets feel loved, even if only temporarily. The love bombing can make you feel valued and cared for, and they can mask in such a way to make it seem as if you have so much in common that you’re soulmates. It’s all fake, designed to reel you in until your entire world revolves around your relationship with your narcissist and their happiness.
Narcissists are very scary, dangerous people.
自戀者非常善于讓他們的目標感到被愛，即使只是暫時的。
愛情轟炸可以讓你感到被重視和被照顧，他們可以以某種方式掩蓋，讓人覺得你們有很多共同點，以至于你們是靈魂伴侶。這都是假的，目的是讓你沉迷其中，直到你的整個世界都圍繞著你與自戀者的關(guān)系和他們的幸福。
自戀者是非?？膳?、危險的人。
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Yep! When you feel like the luckiest person in the world in finding the greatest person in the world, that’s when you better start worrying.
是的！當你覺得自己是世界上最幸運的人，找到了世界上最偉大的人時，你最好要開始擔心了。
“If something is too good to be true” “it usually is”
“當事情好到讓人無法置信時” “通常如此”
Been there! Know all about it!
去過那里！知道一切！
Wish my dad would have read this before my mom passed away. He never truly left her for someone else but he had multiple affairs, threatened to leave but didn’t. But the affairs destroyed their relationship to its core. They hated each other by the time she passed away.
希望我爸爸能在我媽媽去世之前讀到這篇文章。他從未真正為了別人離開過她，但他有過多次外遇，威脅著要離開，但沒有。但這件事破壞了他們之間的核心關(guān)系。她去世時，他們互相憎恨。
A shame. Men (and women too) often think another partner is the answer. Usually the answers lie in confronting one's own weaknesses and expectations as has been shown in these posts.
真遺憾。男性（以及女性）通常認為另一個伴侶就是答案。通常，答案在于直面自己的弱點和期望，正如這些帖子所示。
I don't feel sorry for you at all.
So pleased your wife married a decent man.
Like a wise person said You Reap What you Sow.
我一點也不為你感到難過。
很高興你妻子嫁給了一個體面的男人。
就像一個智者所說的“種瓜得瓜種豆得豆”。
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no human is perfectly clean , if everyone had to reap what they’ve sown , who shall stand ? Not even you , unless you’re among the few almost perfect humans , in which case ,
沒有一個人是完全干凈的，如果每個人都必須收獲他們播種的東西，誰能承受？即使是你，也不行，除非你是少數(shù)幾乎完美的人類之一。
If i was with a nice man who treated me well and loved me why would I jeopardise that for an affair.
He said he had a lovely wife she treated him well and that wasn't enough for him. Now he has no wife and no mistress. Was it worth it I think not.
I make mistakes like other people. But i genuinely don't hurt people intentionally.
如果我和一個對我很好、愛我的好男人在一起，我為什么要為了外遇而冒險呢？
他說他有一個可愛的妻子，她對他很好，這對他來說還不夠?，F(xiàn)在他沒有妻子，也沒有情婦。值得嗎？我想不值得。
我和其他人一樣會犯錯誤。但我真的不是故意傷害別人。
I get what you mean . I had that mind for most of my life . I thought people were in control of their mental functioning, that we can always make a choice … until I realized the hard way that our brains are way more fragile than I thought. People can easily manipulate others to act against their will . There are also mental illnesses that makes one act out in ways that’s out of one’s control to do extremely terrible things to others , regardless of if one is good or not
if I didn’t witness it myself, I wouldn’t have believed it . It can happen to anyone. Paul said this I want to do I can’t do it , things I don’t want to do , I find myself doing . We don’t know what things he’s referring to but I’ll take it as anything.
always always pray for everyone. No one is righteous and anyone, can do bad, anyone can be vulnerable , given the right set of conditions .
there may be exceptions, of course, in which case,
我明白你的意思。我一生的大部分時間都有這種想法。我曾經(jīng)以為人們可以控制自己的心理，我們總是可以做出選擇……直到我艱難地意識到，我們的大腦比我想象的要脆弱得多。人們很容易操縱他人違背自己的意愿。還有一些精神疾病會讓一個人以自己無法控制的方式對他人做出極其可怕的事情，無論自己是否優(yōu)秀都是如此。
如果不是我親眼目睹，我不會相信。這可能發(fā)生在任何人身上。Paul 說過這句話：我想做，我做不到，我不想做的事情，我發(fā)現(xiàn)自己正在做。
我們不知道他指的是什么，但我會把它當作任何東西。
總是為每個人祈禱。在適當?shù)臈l件下，沒有人是正義的，任何人都可以做壞事，任何人也可以脆弱。
當然也可能有例外，在某種情況下。
I was never unfaithful, but I got to tell you I feel the same way about marriage. I too ended up broke in all departments at 63. Get yourself a dog and an old pickup and go explore your local camp sites., do some walking and learn to live alone. In 10 years time you’ll realise how lucky you are to finally be free.
我從未不忠，但我必須告訴你，我對婚姻也有同感。我也在63歲的時候破產(chǎn)了。我給自己找了一只狗和一輛舊皮卡，去探索當?shù)氐穆稜I地。散散步，學會獨自生活。10年后，你會意識到自己是多么幸運，終于獲得了自由。
Yes, I regret it every day. I was in a long term affair for 5 years. I loved her and she was everything my wife was not. We got caught and I stayed in the marriage. I spun some tall tales and my wife believed most of it. She was really hurt but said she wanted to work on things and I played my part with the remorse and apologies and I’ll admit I did say things about my mistress to shift things. We didnt do counseling, I knew I would have to lie my way through and wasn’t willing to go there. I did do a bunch of reading on affairs though which helped me understand what might work to settle things. I have read that a lot of women like to blame the mistress to cope and I did encourage that line of thought and I’m ashamed about it. I felt disloyal to my mistress but I had to do what I could to stay and I did fudge a lot on the seriousness of what it was like with her and flat out lied and said I didn’t love my mistress and really loved my wife. Unless you have been in this situation you will never understand. I know the affair was wrong but I was miserable and hadn’t felt real love for my wife for years but didn’t feel like I could leave, I felt then that I had to do what I did although now I know that was a serious mistake but if I had told her the truth at the time that would have been it.
是的，我每天都在后悔。我的戀情長達5年，我愛她，她有我妻子所沒有的一切。我們被抓住了，我留在了婚姻中。
我編造了一些聳人聽聞的故事，我妻子相信了其中的大部分。她真的很受傷，但她說她想繼續(xù)努力。我?guī)е诤藓颓敢獍l(fā)揮了自己的作用，我承認我確實說了一些關(guān)于我情婦的壞話來改變事情。
我們沒有做心理咨詢，我知道我必須撒謊，我不愿意去那里。不過，我確實讀了很多關(guān)于外遇的書，這有助于我理解用什么辦法可以解決問題。我了解到許多女人喜歡用責怪情婦來應(yīng)對這種情況，我確實鼓勵了這種想法，對此我感到羞愧。
我對情婦不忠，但我必須盡我所能留下來，我確實對和她在一起的感覺含糊其辭，我赤裸裸的撒謊說我不愛我的情婦，真的愛我的妻子。
除非你經(jīng)歷過這種情況，否則你永遠不會理解。我知道這件事是錯誤的，但我很痛苦，多年來一直沒有對我的妻子感到真正的愛，但我覺得我不能離開，當時我覺得我必須做我所做的，盡管現(xiàn)在我知道這是一個嚴重的錯誤，如果我當時告訴她真相，那就好了。
回想起來，我做錯了一切，努力做當時我認為正確的事情。我留下來是因為我擔心離開會對孩子們造成什么影響，如果我負擔不起讓他們和他們所有的朋友過同樣的生活，這會給他們帶來什么樣的麻煩。我也不想讓他們失望，對他們的存在我感到感恩。我也不想在一場糟糕的離婚中失去一切，我看到過我的情婦幾年前離婚時的情況。我不想為了自己的幸福而毀掉一切，我確實感到自己有義務(wù)這么做。
我的妻子真的很受傷，但也盡了她所能來取悅我，在我們多年沒有性生活的時候一直想要性生活，把自己打扮得漂漂亮亮，突然想出去做一些她以前從未感興趣的事情。我努力與情婦結(jié)束關(guān)系，向妻子隱瞞悲傷。這讓我感到更加內(nèi)疚，因為她似乎很寬容，一直在努力，我真的相信我能做到，讓婚姻正常運轉(zhuǎn)，大部分時間我都投入其中。
最終，我還是和我的情婦糾纏了一段時間，我很難讓她離開，她也不明白我的妻子為什么不把我趕走，我也不明白我怎么還能和她再次發(fā)生性關(guān)系，她很難過。
她知道，我覺得我外遇期間必須留下來照顧我的孩子，而且她比我想象中的理解得多。但她非常瘋狂，她認為一旦外遇被發(fā)現(xiàn)，一切就會結(jié)束。
她不明白我的妻子，怎么會還想繼續(xù)留在婚姻中，也不能確切地告訴她，我在其中扮演了一個什么樣的角色，我努力的淡化了婚外情中的感情和持續(xù)的時間，我當然也不能告訴她，我在妻子面前對她做出的評價。
我從來沒有直接對我的情婦撒謊，但確實省略了一些東西，我們的關(guān)系非常開放和誠實，我對這一切的發(fā)生感到很難過，我從來沒有想過要這樣對待她，我真的很愛這個女人，如果必須在她和我妻子之中二選一，肯定是她，但是我還有其他的考慮，所以我做了當時我認為正確的事情，我們最終分手了。
I stayed really busy and had my wife over my shoulder 24/7 I didn’t have much time to really think about it all and pretty much went into panic and repair mode after I was caught and in retrospect have a hard time facing up to what I did to her and really look at the situation with my wife for what was really going on. It wasn’t right to either of them. My wife wanted to constantly do things with me where before we really just led separate lives. It seemed like it might actually work out and be ok after all, she seemed really genuine in still loving me and wanting it. I did care about her and we had a long history but the love for her had died years ago, I didn’t allow myself to think about my mistress much at that point and tried to really focus on fixing things and feeling something for my wife again. We had what I can best describe as a honeymoon period where it was good for awhile but over time she started bringing the affair back up every time we had a disagreement which got more and more often and the sex tapered off. It was becoming clear that her actions were just her trying to keep me and not real changes and for my part the same. We still were just very different people putting on an act to make this work.
離開我的外遇對象，對我來說很難，我的情婦真的很難過，據(jù)我所知，她有一段時間仿佛丟了魂一樣，這真的影響了她的生活。她最終結(jié)婚了，我經(jīng)常想知道她是否幸福，現(xiàn)在的婚姻對她來說怎么樣，我們有一些非常特別的事情，我知道，但當時我并沒有真正感激。我不知道，我會有這么后悔，比大多數(shù)人知道的多得多，我對自己感到憤怒，我怎么會讓這樣的機會偷偷溜走。
我一直很忙，妻子全天候在我身邊。我沒有太多時間真正思考這一切，在被抓住后，我忙于恐慌和修復(fù)關(guān)系?；叵肫饋?，我很難正視我對她所做的一切，也沒有與妻子一起真正審視發(fā)生了什么。這對他們兩個都不對。以前我和我妻子分開生活，現(xiàn)在，我妻子經(jīng)常想和我一起做一些事情?？雌饋硪磺卸紩闷饋淼?，畢竟，她似乎真的很真誠，仍然愛我，想要我。我確實很關(guān)心她，我們有很長的過去，但對她的愛已經(jīng)在幾年前消失了，當時我不允許自己太多地考慮我的情婦，并試著真正專注于解決問題，再次理解我妻子的感受。我們度過了一段我難以形容的蜜月期，但隨著時間的推移，每次我們發(fā)生分歧時，她都會重新提起這件事，這種分歧越來越頻繁，性生活也越來越冷淡。很明顯，她的行為只是她試圖留住我，而不是真正的改變，對我來說也是如此。我們?nèi)匀恢皇欠浅２煌娜?，為了讓這件事成功而在表演。
我真希望我能回到過去，以不同的方式做這件事。