中國女人約會不掏錢包是真的嗎？這是傳統(tǒng)還是個人觀點？
Is It True That Chinese Women Don’t Take Out Their Wallets on Dates? Seeking Genuine Insight on Dating Culture
譯文簡介
我來自上海的新女友說，在她的文化中，男人承擔(dān)約會的所有費用，而女人根本不掏錢包。我真的很好奇這是中國約會文化的常態(tài)還是只是她的個人觀點。
正文翻譯
TL;DR: My new girlfriend from Shanghai says that in her culture, men cover all expenses on dates, and women don’t take out their wallets at all. I’m genuinely curious if this is the norm in Chinese dating culture or just her personal view.
太長不看版：我來自上海的新女友說，在她的文化中，男人承擔(dān)約會的所有費用，而女人根本不掏錢包。我真的很好奇這是中國約會文化的常態(tài)還是只是她的個人觀點。
I’ve been dating an absolutely stunning girl from Shanghai. When we first met, her English wasn’t great, but we connected effortlessly—guess we were speaking the universal language of love.
Things were going great until our first fight, and I’m grateful she took the time to explain her feelings to me—something I’ve noticed not all people are willing to do, especially in cross-cultural relationships. The issue? Money.
我一直在和一個來自上海的非常漂亮的女孩約會。當(dāng)我們第一次見面時，她的英語不是很好，但我們毫不費力地聯(lián)系上了——我猜我們說的是愛的通用語言。
在我們第一次吵架之前，一切都很順利，我很感激她花時間向我解釋她的感受——我注意到并不是所有人都愿意這樣做，尤其是在跨文化關(guān)系中。問題出在哪呢？錢。
Things were going great until our first fight, and I’m grateful she took the time to explain her feelings to me—something I’ve noticed not all people are willing to do, especially in cross-cultural relationships. The issue? Money.
我一直在和一個來自上海的非常漂亮的女孩約會。當(dāng)我們第一次見面時，她的英語不是很好，但我們毫不費力地聯(lián)系上了——我猜我們說的是愛的通用語言。
在我們第一次吵架之前，一切都很順利，我很感激她花時間向我解釋她的感受——我注意到并不是所有人都愿意這樣做，尤其是在跨文化關(guān)系中。問題出在哪呢？錢。
I’m not wealthy, but I usually pay for dates. That said, I appreciate it when my partner offers to cover something—it feels like they’re taking ownership of the relationship too. She hasn’t done this much, but I didn’t really mind… until this one incident.
That day, I drove her to fix her bike, we had dinner, and then stopped by IKEA to grab a bag for her foldable bike. At the self-checkout, I scanned her $8 item and casually said, “Alright, your turn.” She paid, but then she lost it.
我并不富有，但我通常會支付約會的費用。話雖如此，當(dāng)我的伴侶主動提出分擔(dān)費用時我也很感激——這讓我覺得他們也在對這段關(guān)系承擔(dān)責(zé)任。她沒有做過這么多，但我并不介意……直到這件事。
那天，我開車送她去修理自行車，我們吃了晚飯，然后去宜家為她的折疊自行車拿了一個袋子。在自助結(jié)賬處，我掃描了她8美元的商品，然后隨意地說：“好吧，輪到你了?！彼读隋X，但隨后她情緒崩潰了。
That day, I drove her to fix her bike, we had dinner, and then stopped by IKEA to grab a bag for her foldable bike. At the self-checkout, I scanned her $8 item and casually said, “Alright, your turn.” She paid, but then she lost it.
我并不富有，但我通常會支付約會的費用。話雖如此，當(dāng)我的伴侶主動提出分擔(dān)費用時我也很感激——這讓我覺得他們也在對這段關(guān)系承擔(dān)責(zé)任。她沒有做過這么多，但我并不介意……直到這件事。
那天，我開車送她去修理自行車，我們吃了晚飯，然后去宜家為她的折疊自行車拿了一個袋子。在自助結(jié)賬處，我掃描了她8美元的商品，然后隨意地說：“好吧，輪到你了?！彼读隋X，但隨后她情緒崩潰了。
She told me she was disappointed because she had expected me to cover it, especially since it was such a small expense. She explained that in her culture, it’s normal for the man to pay for everything on a date—and that even a male platonic friend would pick up the tab instead of letting a woman pay. She also mentioned she’d been “kind” by choosing cheaper places to eat and not dragging me shopping.
她告訴我她很失望，因為她原以為我會承擔(dān)這筆費用，特別是因為這是一筆很小的費用。她解釋說，在她的文化中，男人在約會時支付所有費用是很正常的，而且即使是柏拉圖式的男性朋友也會買單，而不是讓女人付錢。她還提到她很“體貼”，選擇了更便宜的地方吃飯，而不是拖著我去購物。
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她告訴我她很失望，因為她原以為我會承擔(dān)這筆費用，特別是因為這是一筆很小的費用。她解釋說，在她的文化中，男人在約會時支付所有費用是很正常的，而且即使是柏拉圖式的男性朋友也會買單，而不是讓女人付錢。她還提到她很“體貼”，選擇了更便宜的地方吃飯，而不是拖著我去購物。
原創(chuàng)翻譯：龍騰網(wǎng) http://mintwatchbillionaireclub.com 轉(zhuǎn)載請注明出處
Now, I’m genuinely trying to understand. Is this typical for Chinese dating culture? Is it a form of financial chivalry or a broader cultural expectation? I’ve been looking at this from two perspectives:
1.From a liberal standpoint, I can’t help but feel a bit used.
2.From a more traditional view, I see how this aligns with a conservative, provider-type role—where the man is expected to financially support his partner.
現(xiàn)在，我真誠地試圖理解。這是中國約會文化的典型特征嗎？這是一種金融騎士精神還是更廣泛的文化期望？我一直從兩個角度來看這個問題：
1.從自由主義的角度來看，我不禁覺得有點被利用了。
2.從更傳統(tǒng)的角度來看，我認為這與保守的、提供者型的角色是一致的——在這種角色中，男人被期望在經(jīng)濟上支持他的伴侶。
1.From a liberal standpoint, I can’t help but feel a bit used.
2.From a more traditional view, I see how this aligns with a conservative, provider-type role—where the man is expected to financially support his partner.
現(xiàn)在，我真誠地試圖理解。這是中國約會文化的典型特征嗎？這是一種金融騎士精神還是更廣泛的文化期望？我一直從兩個角度來看這個問題：
1.從自由主義的角度來看，我不禁覺得有點被利用了。
2.從更傳統(tǒng)的角度來看，我認為這與保守的、提供者型的角色是一致的——在這種角色中，男人被期望在經(jīng)濟上支持他的伴侶。
She also mentioned that many Chinese women are frustrated with modern dating because men aren’t meeting these expectations anymore.
她還提到，許多中國女性對現(xiàn)代約會感到沮喪，因為男性不再滿足這些期望。
她還提到，許多中國女性對現(xiàn)代約會感到沮喪，因為男性不再滿足這些期望。
Ultimately, I want to make this work, and I’m willing to compromise because I know dating across cultures requires effort. I just want to hear from others—especially those familiar with Chinese culture—if this is really the norm, or if it’s more of an individual expectation.
Thanks in advance for helping me understand!
最終，我希望這段關(guān)系能夠順利進行，我愿意做出妥協(xié)，因為我知道跨文化約會需要付出努力。我只是想聽聽其他人的意見——尤其是那些熟悉中國文化的人——這是否真的是普遍現(xiàn)象，或者還是更多的是個人期望。
提前感謝大家?guī)椭依斫猓?br />
Thanks in advance for helping me understand!
最終，我希望這段關(guān)系能夠順利進行，我愿意做出妥協(xié)，因為我知道跨文化約會需要付出努力。我只是想聽聽其他人的意見——尤其是那些熟悉中國文化的人——這是否真的是普遍現(xiàn)象，或者還是更多的是個人期望。
提前感謝大家?guī)椭依斫猓?br />
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People in China don't use wallets anymore.
中國人不再使用錢包了。
The newborns might not know what the wallets are... To be honest, I had never used a wallet until I came to USA.
新生兒可能不知道錢包是什么……說實話，我來美國之前從來沒有用過錢包。
When did you come ? USA nowadays are cashless. My Taxi driver dont even have enough money to cover my changes (less than 10 dollar). Whenever I give a cashier a benji, they look me up and down to make sure that I am not sort of drug dealer or something.
你什么時候來的？現(xiàn)在的美國已經(jīng)是無現(xiàn)金了。我的出租車司機甚至沒有足夠的錢來支付我的零錢（不到 10 美元）。每當(dāng)我給收銀員一張便士時，他們都會上下打量我，以確保我不是毒販之類的。
Literally my first thought too
照字面意思，我的第一個想法也是
I guess you will be more stunned when you find out the man need to pay 100-300k as bride price when getting married in Chinese culture
當(dāng)你發(fā)現(xiàn)在中國文化中結(jié)婚時男方需要支付10-30萬彩禮時，我想你會更驚訝
No fucking way hahahahahaha. I guess I’ll post on Reddit again in a few years
開什么玩笑，哈哈哈哈，我想幾年后我會再次在 Reddit 上發(fā)帖
Yeah, nah. I didn't do that. My line was that there are two cultures and respect needs to go both ways. There has been some discussion about money. Her parents haven't given me anything and while I'll pay for a dinner or similar they've been told a flat no about money a few times.
嗯，不。我沒有那樣做。我的觀點是，兩種文化需要相互尊重。關(guān)于錢的問題也有過討論。她的父母沒有給我任何東西，雖然我會支付晚餐或類似的費用，但他們幾次提出要錢時，我都明確拒絕了。
Same here. My Chinese in-laws never asked and and when I brought up the topic of a bride price, they instantly refused, saying it's not part of my culture. Period. They also payed for the (small) wedding and chipped in a big chunk when we bought an apartment a few years later, even though we never asked for anything. Guess you have to find not just the right woman but also the one with the right parents.
我也一樣。我的中國岳父母從來沒有問過，當(dāng)我提起彩禮的話題時，他們立即拒絕了，說那不屬于我們的文化。不必再提。他們還支付了（小型）婚禮的費用，并在幾年后我們買公寓時捐了一大筆錢，盡管我們從未要求過任何東西。我想你不僅要找到合適的女人，還要找到合適的父母。
The topic was never even raised with me and my now-wife. Her parents are often trying to give us money, especially now we have a child. But bride price and the like wasn't even raised. We paid for the wedding ourselves, wasn't expensive (cheaper than a British wedding by a fair few thousand). Money's just never been a topic discussed for us in that regard.
這個話題甚至從未向我和我現(xiàn)在的妻子提起過。她的父母經(jīng)常想辦法給我們錢，尤其是現(xiàn)在我們有了孩子。但是彩禮之類的從未提起過。我們自己付了婚禮費用，并不貴（比英國婚禮便宜幾千英鎊）。在這方面，金錢從來都不是我們討論的話題。
Do you get a refund if you end up divorcing a few years later? LM
如果幾年后離婚，你能得到退款嗎？笑死我了
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Cheap Frugal Chinese Women don't pay on dates. But Independent Educated Employed Chinese women will offer to pay.
小氣節(jié)儉的中國女性約會時不付錢。但受過獨立教育的中國就業(yè)女性愿意支付費用。
I guess it depends on the person. Sometimes it's not her, but her parents. In my case, it was much lower. Only a token amount. Parents see it as having face if their daughter can command high dowry. I got a friend whose MIL asked for 1M RMB. He declined. His gf/wife also thought it was excessive. They are now both paying (without her parents' knowledge). I dunno what your situation is with this girl but it could be "normal" or it could be red flags. Only time will tell.
我想這取決于個人。有時不是她，而是她的父母。就我而言，它要低得多。只有象征性的金額。父母覺得如果女兒能拿到高額彩禮，那就有面子了。我有一個朋友，他的岳母要100萬人民幣。他拒絕了。他的女朋友/妻子也認為這太過分了。他們現(xiàn)在都在付錢（在她父母不知情的情況下）。我不知道你和這個女孩的情況如何，但這可能是“正常”的，也可能是危險信號。只有時間才能證明一切。
It's the price for those who accept this bullshit. I didn't pay to be my wife's husband.
這是那些接受這種狗屁話的人的代價。我可沒付錢成為我妻子的丈夫。
Yes, expectation that men will pay for everything is highly Ingrained in China.
Gender norms and expectation that men should always take lead and pay for women still predominant there. The dating culture is very imbalanced and competitive ; men are under pressure to impress. When other men out there are paying everything for dates and spending well on gifts, it's pressuring everyone else to do the same thing to keep up. It's not so good on the "face" 面子 part if the guy do not pay enough or act as generously as others.
是的，男人需要為一切買單的期望在中國根深蒂固。
性別規(guī)范和男性應(yīng)始終帶頭并為女性買單的期望仍然占主導(dǎo)地位。約會文化非常不平衡和競爭；男人面臨著給人留下深刻印象的壓力。當(dāng)其他男人為約會不惜一切代價并在禮物上花費巨資時，其他人就會被迫做同樣的事情來跟上。如果這個人付錢不夠，或者表現(xiàn)得不像其他人那么慷慨，那么“面子”部分就不太好。
我認識的許多中國大陸男性討厭這種要為一切買單的社會期望。有些人有理智的伴侶，他們非常愿意分攤費用。但這些男人覺得有義務(wù)支付一切，因為其他人都在這樣做。
Mainland dudes have to carry their girl's handbag. Might as well fish for her wallet and use that to pay :-)
大陸的男生得幫女朋友提包。還不如順便找她的錢包，拿著它去付錢 :-)
Partly yes. As you can imagine, discussions around any particular culture require a bit of oversimplification, but the root cause of what many people perceive to be a problem with dating in China is the power imbalance. Because there's far less women than men there (one unintended but certainly foreseeable consequence of the one child policy), women do hold more leverage, which translates into a sense of entitlement. This in turn begets and breeds a sense of resentment on men's part, which I think you can sense from some of the responses you've gotten.
I think the question you need to ask yourself is whether you think she actually is into you. Assuming your answer is yes, then your next step is to figure out how much patience you have for this unevenness. I am not saying she's right. She's clearly being unfair. But things you're brought up and used to thinking are hard to shed, and it takes her being willing to reflect and you being willing to wait for some changes or adjustments on her end. To me what would be the most important is whether she's willing to be an equal partner on balance. If all she wants is for you to give, give, and give, then the relationship will not be sustainable. But if you can get to let's say 70-30, would that aspect of this relationship be acceptable to you? Are there other things she's more willing to give? You and you alone must uate the whole of this relationship and draw your red line, irrespective of the source of the conflict.
For what it's worth, regardless of whether you're right to think she should pay for some things, I find it a bit crass and immature for you to just say "your turn." Either have the conversation without doing so, or stop spending time with her if you think it's a dealbreaker.
一定程度上是的。正如你可以想象的那樣，圍繞任何特定文化的討論都需要做一些過度簡化，但許多人認為中國約會問題的根本原因是權(quán)力不平衡。因為那里的女性人數(shù)遠少于男性（這是獨生子女政策的一個非故意但顯然可以預(yù)見的后果），女性確實擁有更多的影響力，這轉(zhuǎn)化為一種權(quán)利感。這反過來又會引起男性的怨恨感，我想你可以從你得到的一些回應(yīng)中感受到這一點。
我認為你需要問自己的問題是你是否認為她真的喜歡你。假設(shè)您的答案是肯定的，那么您的下一步就是弄清楚您對這種不平衡性有多少耐心。我并不是說她是對的。她顯然不公平。但你習(xí)慣的思維方式很難改變，需要她愿意反思，也需要你愿意等待她做出一些改變或調(diào)整。對我來說，最重要的是她是否愿意成為一個平等的伴侶。如果她想要的只是你的付出、付出、再付出，那么你們的關(guān)系就無法持續(xù)。但如果你們能達到 70-30，你們能接受這段關(guān)系的這一方面嗎？她還有其他更愿意付出的東西嗎？無論沖突的根源是什么，你只能自己必須評估整個關(guān)系并劃清紅線。
不管怎么樣，無論你認為她應(yīng)該為某些東西付錢的想法是否正確，我都覺得你只是說“輪到你了”有點粗魯和不成熟。要么直接對話，要么不這樣做，或者如果你認為這是個阻礙因素，就停止與她共度時光。
How old are you?
I honestly find posts like this surprising and weird, but i'm 42 (Canadian). I 100% am just old enough to remember when every culture on earth was more or less like this. Yes, men everywhere in the world were expected to pay for dates. And i'm old enough to laugh that society has changed and this isn't universally the case (which is a good thing).
I had to re-read your post, and I realise that you aren't IN china, just dating a Chinese girl. Originally, I said: "Still, it's a bit naive / ignorant for you to need to ask this question. This is the sort of post I'd expect to see asking about dating a girl here in Canada, not China where the answer should be obvious." But since you aren't in China, I guess you just haven't researched life here and are dating this girl for her appearance (which I don't blame you, trust me)
40 years ago, men in america or canada or europe would be expected to pay for dates. Except in the very most liberal circles. Well, that's still true in china, which is a far, far more conservative culture. If you are ever wondering something like this, just ask how it would have been in the west 40 years ago and you'll usually have your answer. So yes, she is 100% correct that this is how it is. Again, to me it's incredibly obvious that any girl coming from a conservative culture is going to have this outlook. Expect this from any girl anywhere in the world except a very liberal, modern girl from the west or POSSIBLY japan.
That said, she's not in CHina anymore. She should learn about your culture too right? Well, from an old man like me i can say again that this is how I grew up - men paid for dates. So really, your outlook is very modern indeed. I AGREE with you, but you have to expect this attitude from most women around the world. If you want to date someone, and they aren't from WESTERN europe (France, germany, norway, Britain), or the english world, chances are this will be the expectation.
你多大了？
老實說，我覺得這樣的帖子令人驚訝和奇怪，但我42歲（加拿大人）。我百分百年紀夠大，還記得地球上的每一種文化或多或少都是這樣的。是的，世界各地的男人被期望為約會付費。我已經(jīng)足夠大了，可以笑著說社會已經(jīng)發(fā)生了變化，現(xiàn)在不再是普遍的現(xiàn)象了（這是一件好事）。
我不得不重新閱讀你的帖子，我意識到你不在中國，只是在和一個中國女孩約會。起初，我說：“不過，你需要問這個問題有點天真/無知。這種帖子我更期待看到的是有人問在加拿大約會女孩的情況，而不是在中國，這里的答案應(yīng)該很明顯?！钡热荒悴辉谥袊?，我猜你只是沒有研究過這里的生活，只是因為這個女孩的外表而和她約會（我不怪你，相信我）
40年前，美國、加拿大或歐洲的男性約會時被期望為約會買單。除了最自由的圈子。嗯，這在中國仍然如此，中國的文化要保守得多。如果你曾經(jīng)有類似的疑問，只要問問40年前的西方會是什么樣子，你通常就會得到答案。所以是的，她百分百確認事情就是這樣。同樣，對我來說，任何來自保守文化的女孩都會有這種觀點，這是非常明顯的。除了來自西方或日本的非常自由、現(xiàn)代的女孩，世界上其他地方的女孩都會有這種期望。
也就是說，她已經(jīng)不在中國了。她也應(yīng)該了解你們的文化，對嗎？嗯，對像我這樣的老人來說，我可以再說一遍，我就是這樣長大的——男人為約會付費。確實，你的觀點確實非?，F(xiàn)代。我同意你的觀點，但你必須預(yù)料到世界上大多數(shù)女性都會采取這種態(tài)度。如果你想和某人約會，而他們不是來自西歐（法國、德國、挪威、英國）或英語世界，這種期望很有可能會存在。
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They like it both ways, the empowerment without the part where they have to pay. On top of it, she hides behind that "my culture" nonsense. If this is a causal/sex thing and u can afford to be magnanimous, just pay. If u want this to become something more, u might want to put all the cards on the table at some point. If she is a hyper pretty, she might be leveragling her youth and sexual appeal for stuff...
No, not all girls expect u to pay, but there's a lot of assumptions and unspoken expectations. Know what sort of relationship u r engaging.
她們喜歡兩者兼得，享受權(quán)利的同時又不需要付錢。而且，她還躲在“我的文化”這種胡話背后。如果這只是一個隨便的/性方面的事情，而且你能負擔(dān)得起寬宏大度，那就付錢吧。如果你想讓這段關(guān)系變得更深，你可能會在某個時候把所有的事情攤開來說。如果她長得特別漂亮，她可能是在用自己的青春和性魅力來換取東西……
不， 并不是所有女孩都期望你付錢，但有很多假設(shè)和不言而喻的期望。你得清楚自己在什么樣的關(guān)系中。
Traditionally that's how it works in the Chinese dating scene. Even amongst friends, guys usually pick up the bills. But at the end of the day, it's up to you two to decide how it should be in your relationship.
When the subject of marriage comes up, some families may request for a certain amount of gifts, in cash and/or property or others, from the groom side, while the bride will be given a dowry (in the form of jewelry or property, cash etc.). Whether the groom's family is in charge of the full expenditure of the event or not depends on the local tradition. In certain areas, the bride's family picks up the bills. Again, that's the tradition. Some families are open to new ideas. I'm not sure if it's true, but what I got from the media is that nowadays the bride's families in China are notorious in asking for a high sum in cash and/or property.
傳統(tǒng)上，這就是中國約會場景的運作方式。即使是朋友之間，通常都是男人買單。但最終，要由你們兩個來決定你們的關(guān)系應(yīng)該如何發(fā)展。
當(dāng)談到結(jié)婚時，一些家庭可能會要求新郎一方提供一定數(shù)量的禮物，例如現(xiàn)金和/或財產(chǎn)或其他，而新娘則會得到嫁妝（以珠寶或財產(chǎn)的形式，現(xiàn)金等）。新郎的家人是否負責(zé)婚禮的全部費用取決于當(dāng)?shù)氐膫鹘y(tǒng)。在某些地區(qū)，新娘的家人會買單。再說一次，這就是傳統(tǒng)。有些家庭對新想法持開放態(tài)度。我不確定這是否屬實，但我從媒體了解到的是，如今新娘的家人在中國因索要高額現(xiàn)金和/或財產(chǎn)而臭名昭著。
Why do male friends pick up the bill? Is it an attempt to impress the girl into dating? Are women prevented from working in China?
為什么男性朋友會買單？這是為了給女孩留下深刻的印象并讓她約會嗎？在中國，女性是被禁止工作了嗎？
The cultural stereotype is that it's considered manly to show off your wealth and ability through generosity to friends/dates/colleagues etc.
文化刻板印象是，通過向朋友/約會對象/同事等慷慨展示自己的財富和能力被認為是有男子氣概的。
Interesting. My first thought was, in the west, people show wealth and ability by spending money on themselves. China’s way sounds better in some sense.
有趣。我的第一個想法是，在西方，人們通過在自己身上花錢來展示財富和能力。從某種意義上說，中國的方式聽起來更好。